I am feeling discouraged today. I have nothing witty or inspiring to say.
Today I just want to be done with this stupid Lyme disease and the treatment. I don't want to take any more pills or supplements. I don't want to have to rest in the middle of the day. I don't want to be in pain, nauseous, dizzy, feel tired or having memory issues. I don't want to feel on edge, angry or short-tempered for no reason. I don't want to loose my temper with my daughter or husband. I don't want to eat crappy food because I don't feel like cooking. I don't want to surf the Internet looking at mindless news because I am too tired and worn out for anything else. I don't want to go on little walks and take it easy on my body. I don't want to look around the house and have an anxiety attack because it is dirty and disorganized. I don't want to freak out about all the things I haven't done at home or work.
I want off this ride today. I would like a different ride. Something a little less bumpy. I would imagine this feeling to be similar to a toddler who is sick of their toys and just lays in the middle of a playroom filled with wonderful toys kicking and screaming for seemingly no reason. Unfortunately it is not socially acceptable for me to exhibit such behavior (even though I do succumb and do it occasionally).
What can I do (other than wallow in self-pity or throw a tantrum)? Maybe I can just accept that I feel tired of all of this today. I can give myself a hug and acknowledge that this process isn't easy. I may be getting stronger and healing does seem to be occurring, but it is still really hard sometimes. I know this too shall pass. I just wish it would pass right now.
(I will go look at the deck of cards by inspiring co-worker loaned me. I bet there is a card for this kind of morning.)
Today I just want to be done with this stupid Lyme disease and the treatment. I don't want to take any more pills or supplements. I don't want to have to rest in the middle of the day. I don't want to be in pain, nauseous, dizzy, feel tired or having memory issues. I don't want to feel on edge, angry or short-tempered for no reason. I don't want to loose my temper with my daughter or husband. I don't want to eat crappy food because I don't feel like cooking. I don't want to surf the Internet looking at mindless news because I am too tired and worn out for anything else. I don't want to go on little walks and take it easy on my body. I don't want to look around the house and have an anxiety attack because it is dirty and disorganized. I don't want to freak out about all the things I haven't done at home or work.
I want off this ride today. I would like a different ride. Something a little less bumpy. I would imagine this feeling to be similar to a toddler who is sick of their toys and just lays in the middle of a playroom filled with wonderful toys kicking and screaming for seemingly no reason. Unfortunately it is not socially acceptable for me to exhibit such behavior (even though I do succumb and do it occasionally).
What can I do (other than wallow in self-pity or throw a tantrum)? Maybe I can just accept that I feel tired of all of this today. I can give myself a hug and acknowledge that this process isn't easy. I may be getting stronger and healing does seem to be occurring, but it is still really hard sometimes. I know this too shall pass. I just wish it would pass right now.
(I will go look at the deck of cards by inspiring co-worker loaned me. I bet there is a card for this kind of morning.)
Yup, I think there is a card for "discouraged"- something about how you don't have to be upbeat and perky all the time- sometimes you can just throw your tantrum and say "I HATE THIS" and release all that discouragement into the atmosphere. Then, maybe, you'll create some room for something else...
ReplyDeleteYup! I think that is exactly what happened today. I started out so discouraged and pissy. Writing about it helped to take the edge off and take the power out of it. You're right - it created space. Then I went on to have a positive and productive day!
ReplyDelete