Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Laughter in the Battlefield


I seem to be in quite a predicament. I have Lyme disease. It is a disease that is known and treatment is supposedly known. Yet, once you have had it for many years people doubt that it exists. Even if they acknowledge it's existence, have test results and a positive history to prove it, they don't quite know how to treat it.

It is like we are in the middle of a battlefield with an unknown number of assailants, a plan that is not very clear and weapons that we don't really know how to use. We march forward anyway knowing this is what is to be done. Sometimes we feel fearful and other times confident. Somehow we know we are on the right path and at the same time get startled by the terror of walking a path that feels so dark and dangerous.

We keep going. It is what is to be done and now is the time to do it. You may wonder why I use the term "we." It is in reference moving through this journey with my amazing naturopath. He has made a choice to believe in me and to guide me through the murky waters of Chronic Lyme Treatment. We are both "virgins" in this territory and seem to take comfort in each other's honesty and slightly twisted humor.

Sometimes we laugh and make jokes about things that aren't at all funny. When the reality is dark and treatment is not going as planned, somehow the laughter helps. Like today for example, I ended up back in the doctor's office (again) with a severe neurotoxic reaction from killing of too many of the little lymies. I feel like my body is on an unpredictable roller coaster ride with a driver that has never led the train before. I trust him though and keep trudging along. He laughs when I bring in a gigantic bag filled with baskets of medicine cause' I knew I wouldn't remember the doses of my supplements. I laugh when he decides to palpate my kidney after me complaining of how it feels like someone is kicking me in the kidneys. He was being a doctor, so I can't fault him for wanting to confirm this. One vertebrae above the kidneys...okay. Second one...okay. First tap on the kidneys stimulated a scream that could be heard round the world. Poor doctor, he even jumped and then profusely apologized. After I caught my breath and my kidney stopped screaming, I couldn't stop laughing. I laughed on and off for hours. Why? Don't know. This body is just such a mess right now and treatment is not going remotely on course (not that there really is a well laid out course), so laughter seems better than hysterical crying.

Laughing in the battlefield. Sometimes you just have to do it. It seems to help both doc and me. It is like letting a little air out of a balloon that is about to pop. I only end up in his office when I am super sick. Laughing about needing a toxic waste sticker on my head seems somehow appropriate. My doc is amazing. Today he rocked. He laughed when I joked about the IV price not being as much bang for my buck as recreational drugs. I laughed back at his jokes about how good he did in giving me a head rush. Laughter in the battlefield. It helps. 

The field is changing again. Too full of toxins to continue like this. The new plan: at least a week holiday from the Lyme meds, doc goes to the ILADS conference in Toronto and hopefully comes back with "pearls of wisdom" in how to treat me (I suggested he take lots of Ginko to help his memory), re-start Lyme meds on 10/31 (Halloween -- interesting choice of days) and stay at a low dose (5 drops) for one month in hopes of killing the little Lymies without feeling like we are killing Faith in the process.

So much for my "plan" to increase once a week and be at full dose a year from when I finally got diagnosed. Nope, I am in a changing battlefield. It feels like it changes every moment and I must be flexible and go along with it. I have no choice about needing to move forward amongst great internal chaos and pain. I do have some choices though --- one being how much I laugh. I choose to laugh a lot. Thank you to all that help with this laughter medicine. It is really good stuff!












Thursday, October 20, 2011

Noticing Old Patterns

It has been a long time since I have written. My last entry into this "strange world of public journaling" was over 2 weeks ago. I had just realized that my body was starting to scream "stop" again in regards to increasing my medication. This time I decided to listen. I held the dose for about 10 days and now I will increase once a week at the most. My kidney pain and overall nervous system sensitivity improved and overall I have been okay. What has taken root now though feels equally as debilitating but oh-so-subtle.

I am noticing these very old patterns of self-sabotage. I know what nurtures me and helps in my healing. I haven't made overt sabotage. The attacks have been "under my radar." The cumulative effect is now noticeable and I realize, just like the kidney pain a few weeks ago, that I have to take action or this delicate balance in the body will start to deteriorate. The clouds of depression are hovering just as the rain clouds in the Oregon sky become more prevalent. I have tools to counteract this, yet I have been sub-consciously choosing not to.

I know I need to avoid the self-judgement and subsequent lashing that is a long seeded pattern. I just need to be aware and start to make changes. One moment at a time. It won't be "all perfect" just because I noticed the patterns that undermine my healing. But shining this awareness will bring it into my consciousness where I can make objective decisions. That doesn't feel overwhelming or extreme. I can do this.

Today I will notice patterns that don't serve me and make an effort to shift them. Writing again was step one, and I did it! (I will also choose to celebrate these small triumphs :)


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Different Bumpy Road

I feel like I am walking down a road that is so different than the same road walked a short time ago. The internal "bombing" of the little lymies with Samento and Banderol began again. I didn't think I was having major bacteria die-off symptoms because I was on such a low dose compared to when I stopped before. Well, I think I may be wrong about that.

Today my kidneys hurt so bad I feel like I am in labor. I am so chemically sensitive that every scent, dust, potential mildew smell sends me into either a breakdown, an allergy fit or an asthma attack. I am so emotionally labile that it is difficult to function. I have been having intermittent hot flashes again too. No major headache or neurotoxic feelings like I had before or the "herxing" that I had become familiar with. Some stiff neck, but mild compared to the meningitis-like neck I had before. Hmmmm.....

After a little "hot-tub-reflection time" with my husband, it seems apparent that I am reaching a toxic point and need to hold tight on my dose for a while. It is just so different from last time that I didn't even see the signs until I felt like I was sinking in quick sand.

I thankful for the awareness. The plan for tomorrow: no more increasing of the medicine for a week or so - hold at 7 drops, call/email the doctor and see if I need to change around my medicine or come in for an IV, focus on detoxing in every way possible (hot tub, sauna, walks, stretching, pranayama, lots of liquids, etc.), eat really clean/simply and of course --- be more gentle on myself.

This process of writing often brings clarity and objectivity. It did that tonight. Yippy.