Acceptance.
I have to trust that I am being guided. I will get through this treatment and I will recover from this 16 year journey with Chronic Lyme Disease.
Sometimes it is easier to trust this process than others. This past week may have been the sickest I have ever been in my life. I have awakened at 2:30 this morning, so I have had lots of time to contemplate all the lessons I can learn from this not-so-easy week.
I feel like I am turning the corner on this latest healing crisis. With that corner turned I can actually think and contemplate again. I have been wanting to write but couldn't even string thoughts together or look at the computer long enough to make it happen. I am thankful to be able to write again as there seems to a lot of thoughts that want to come out and form themselves into tangible sentences.
This Lyme Disease dance is really beyond intense. Just when I felt like I was in a rhythm everything came crashing in on me like a bookshelf falling off the wall. I can see now how attached I was to the previous rhythm, time lines and ideas of what should happen. I spent a month getting stronger before I would start treatment knowing that I would get sick again. I could accept this because in my head I truly thought that the first few months would be really hard while I was increasing my anti-microbial (Samento and Banderol) medication and then it would get easier. I knew there would be Herxheimer reactions abounding, but because it felt short-term I could accept this. I thought that by the end of August I would be at 15 drops - my full dose - and then I could focus on the busiest time of year at my work. Some time ago the first bubble was burst by my doctor....full dose may actually be 30 drops twice a day, which meant 15 would just be a holding point for some time. I was able to readjust to this as long as a met my goal by the end of August.
Flexibility has never been a strength of mine. I am convinced this time as a Lymie is to teach me this. I will either crack into pieces or learn to be flexible! Some days I really feel as if I am cracking. Then I realize it is just a new stretch that is reaching areas that are particularly resistant. Accepting that I wouldn't get to "full dose" by September was difficult for me, but I could sort of accept getting to my "holding dose." Then in mid-August I realized that I wouldn't even make it to 15 drops by the end of the month. This was more of a stretch then I was willing to accept at the time. I really fought this.
I decided to push against my inner knowing and increase my dose even though I was still "herxing" (reacting) to the previous increase. Lesson learned -- NEVER EVER do this!
My mama always said it is okay to make mistakes as long as you don't repeat them. Well, no one has to worry about me pushing myself to increase my medications too quickly again. This choice will never be repeated. The result has been one to remember. I am really in awe of how obvious it was that this choice would end badly and yet at the time I just couldn't see that. It is so easy to get caught in our heads and convinced something has to be a certain way. This time as a Lymie is teaching me so clearly that I must listen to my body and my intuition. If I don't, the consequences are severe and immediate.
So, you may be wondering what happened. Well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. I increased my dose last Friday morning even though I had a terrible headache on Wednesday and Thursday. This should have been the first warning sign to tread lightly with caution. Mid-week is usually my strongest time. This is when I have been swimming, but last week I couldn't even think about swimming. Still when Friday morning came I felt compelled to increase. I knew I only had one more week to increase before I was going to hold my dose for a month. I just wanted to get to at least 13 drops. That seemed closer to 15 then 11. Others around me pointed out that I shouldn't increase but I chose not to listen. I quietly increased my dose. The results were not so quiet.
I spent the next week in one of the worst states I have ever been in. I choose not to relive it at the moment. Let's just say I had a classic and massive "herx" reaction leaving me feeling toxic and near death. I really thought I was either going to die or should die to end the hell that I was feeling. By Monday I couldn't even move or talk or function and was in more pain then I thought to be humanly possible. Somehow grace prevailed and I was clear enough amidst the dense fog that I was able to reach out for help. I am so grateful that the strength came to reach and that everyone responded so beautifully.
Since Monday I have talked to the lovely receptionists at my naturopath's office multiple times, seen my naturopath twice, received two IV injections, increased my supplements and added new ones to detox and support the body and cut my antimicrobial dose down to 5 drops. Yup - you read that right - 5 drops. The push to get to 15 drops has ended in quite the opposite way as I imagined. The body is teaching me, yet again, that I must listen. If I do not listen I will be quickly reminded of how that is not option for me right now.
I am finally accepting where I am. My body has had a massive die-off of the lymies which caused an intense inflammatory response that was more than the kidneys, liver and brain could handle. We likely got to a level of medication that was enough to kill the little buggers - a lot - and I am likely strong enough now that my immune system is finally kicking in and joining the attack. That is good.
So, now it is time to let my body recover. It is time to heal from this latest "internal battle." It is not time the time to think about killing more little buggers. Increases in medication will need to wait. It is not a race. It is time to get stronger again. I am accepting and will continue to accept that more each moment. I will envision all of my organs being soothed by all that I am doing for them. Everything will calm down. It is and will be all okay.
P.S.
Endless amounts of gratitude to everyone that has helped me this week:
Friends that listened while I cried in agony.
Friends that brought delicious meals for me and my family.
A doctor and support staff that were just amazing! (Dr. Campbell's office)
A lovely Ayurvedic lifestyle coach that spent so much time crafting a beautiful plan to help soothe and calm the body. (Upāsana Giglia)
Family that was beyond tolerant and supportive in every way possible! I know it was difficult to be around me and to watch what was happening. Thank you for hanging in there!
I have to trust that I am being guided. I will get through this treatment and I will recover from this 16 year journey with Chronic Lyme Disease.
Sometimes it is easier to trust this process than others. This past week may have been the sickest I have ever been in my life. I have awakened at 2:30 this morning, so I have had lots of time to contemplate all the lessons I can learn from this not-so-easy week.
I feel like I am turning the corner on this latest healing crisis. With that corner turned I can actually think and contemplate again. I have been wanting to write but couldn't even string thoughts together or look at the computer long enough to make it happen. I am thankful to be able to write again as there seems to a lot of thoughts that want to come out and form themselves into tangible sentences.
This Lyme Disease dance is really beyond intense. Just when I felt like I was in a rhythm everything came crashing in on me like a bookshelf falling off the wall. I can see now how attached I was to the previous rhythm, time lines and ideas of what should happen. I spent a month getting stronger before I would start treatment knowing that I would get sick again. I could accept this because in my head I truly thought that the first few months would be really hard while I was increasing my anti-microbial (Samento and Banderol) medication and then it would get easier. I knew there would be Herxheimer reactions abounding, but because it felt short-term I could accept this. I thought that by the end of August I would be at 15 drops - my full dose - and then I could focus on the busiest time of year at my work. Some time ago the first bubble was burst by my doctor....full dose may actually be 30 drops twice a day, which meant 15 would just be a holding point for some time. I was able to readjust to this as long as a met my goal by the end of August.
Flexibility has never been a strength of mine. I am convinced this time as a Lymie is to teach me this. I will either crack into pieces or learn to be flexible! Some days I really feel as if I am cracking. Then I realize it is just a new stretch that is reaching areas that are particularly resistant. Accepting that I wouldn't get to "full dose" by September was difficult for me, but I could sort of accept getting to my "holding dose." Then in mid-August I realized that I wouldn't even make it to 15 drops by the end of the month. This was more of a stretch then I was willing to accept at the time. I really fought this.
I decided to push against my inner knowing and increase my dose even though I was still "herxing" (reacting) to the previous increase. Lesson learned -- NEVER EVER do this!
My mama always said it is okay to make mistakes as long as you don't repeat them. Well, no one has to worry about me pushing myself to increase my medications too quickly again. This choice will never be repeated. The result has been one to remember. I am really in awe of how obvious it was that this choice would end badly and yet at the time I just couldn't see that. It is so easy to get caught in our heads and convinced something has to be a certain way. This time as a Lymie is teaching me so clearly that I must listen to my body and my intuition. If I don't, the consequences are severe and immediate.
So, you may be wondering what happened. Well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. I increased my dose last Friday morning even though I had a terrible headache on Wednesday and Thursday. This should have been the first warning sign to tread lightly with caution. Mid-week is usually my strongest time. This is when I have been swimming, but last week I couldn't even think about swimming. Still when Friday morning came I felt compelled to increase. I knew I only had one more week to increase before I was going to hold my dose for a month. I just wanted to get to at least 13 drops. That seemed closer to 15 then 11. Others around me pointed out that I shouldn't increase but I chose not to listen. I quietly increased my dose. The results were not so quiet.
I spent the next week in one of the worst states I have ever been in. I choose not to relive it at the moment. Let's just say I had a classic and massive "herx" reaction leaving me feeling toxic and near death. I really thought I was either going to die or should die to end the hell that I was feeling. By Monday I couldn't even move or talk or function and was in more pain then I thought to be humanly possible. Somehow grace prevailed and I was clear enough amidst the dense fog that I was able to reach out for help. I am so grateful that the strength came to reach and that everyone responded so beautifully.
Since Monday I have talked to the lovely receptionists at my naturopath's office multiple times, seen my naturopath twice, received two IV injections, increased my supplements and added new ones to detox and support the body and cut my antimicrobial dose down to 5 drops. Yup - you read that right - 5 drops. The push to get to 15 drops has ended in quite the opposite way as I imagined. The body is teaching me, yet again, that I must listen. If I do not listen I will be quickly reminded of how that is not option for me right now.
I am finally accepting where I am. My body has had a massive die-off of the lymies which caused an intense inflammatory response that was more than the kidneys, liver and brain could handle. We likely got to a level of medication that was enough to kill the little buggers - a lot - and I am likely strong enough now that my immune system is finally kicking in and joining the attack. That is good.
So, now it is time to let my body recover. It is time to heal from this latest "internal battle." It is not time the time to think about killing more little buggers. Increases in medication will need to wait. It is not a race. It is time to get stronger again. I am accepting and will continue to accept that more each moment. I will envision all of my organs being soothed by all that I am doing for them. Everything will calm down. It is and will be all okay.
P.S.
Endless amounts of gratitude to everyone that has helped me this week:
Friends that listened while I cried in agony.
Friends that brought delicious meals for me and my family.
A doctor and support staff that were just amazing! (Dr. Campbell's office)
A lovely Ayurvedic lifestyle coach that spent so much time crafting a beautiful plan to help soothe and calm the body. (Upāsana Giglia)
Family that was beyond tolerant and supportive in every way possible! I know it was difficult to be around me and to watch what was happening. Thank you for hanging in there!
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