A glimpse of today

I don't have anything witty or profound to say today. No big revelations or point to this post. Today I am happy and sad at the same time. Really guys, I am tired of being sick. I am tired of trying to live life, stay positive, enjoy and accept what is while being so sick. I am really tired of it.

Today went like this.

Woke up relieved and sad that I had found homes for two of my beloved kitties. Found homes for them because I just can't take care of everything I used to -- have to simplify life a bit. Had very little energy and was late doing my morning prayer ritual. Tried to juggle finishing my morning puja and tending to cat kennel customers (my business) at the same time. Then it was time to "check off the list" before going on a play-hooky-from-work-day-time-date with my husband.

Take meds, check. Scoop dog poop, check. Pick zucchini that I should have picked days ago, check. Find warm clothes, check. Eat something, check. Call customers, check. Want to cry and go back to bed because I am too tired to go on.....ignore. Instead, laugh with my husband, smile, get the car an oil change that is 7,000 miles late and finally head to the coast. Sleep the whole way because it was either that or pass out or cry. Nightmare dream about my daughter and her dramas with school bullies that keep tormenting her in the community. Wake up at the coast. Eat lunch. Walk on the beautiful beach and take a nap in the sun with my sweet, sweet husband. Barely make it up the steps to get to the car because the hips don't want to work. Use the bathroom a million times because the bladder is retaining urine and not emptying. Crawl back into the car and fall back asleep because everything hurts so badly. Wake up as we arrive at home.

No more energy. Check email and Facebook. Text some friends. Try to find a home for sweet, old shit eating neurotic dog. Lay in the bed with a crushing headache watching a lovely movie with my sweet husband. Attempt to get up to cook something and end up in bed before even starting. Sweet husband is steaming the zucchini. Bless him. Try to ignore the fact that I feel so stinking ill and that I am so bloody tired of feeling this way.....

The order

Why do really terrible things happen to really wonderful people? I have been chewing on this thought today in so many contexts. My dear "cyber Lymies" that are going through their own physical pain and tremendous loss at the same time. A dear friend's kids who lost their father way too young. Too many women and men that are assaulted and abused. Children born with tremendous challenges and medical conditions. Wonderful, strong people fighting cancer. Innocent victims shot while watching a movie. And the list goes on..... Including the Lymie tribe that I have gotten to know scattered throughout the world.

How do you make sense of what is happening in our bodies, in our family, in our community and in the world? For me, the words flowed today, when responding to yet another unthinkable story in cyber-land-- the sudden death of youth, and it took me back to a moment in my life that was so profound and truly changed how I looked at the world and the order, the cosmic flow of life.

"There are no words to explain the grief of losing a child and certainly no explanations. "Everything happens for a reason" also doesn't help in such tragic loss. I feel compelled to share this in hopes that it may help just a little. When I was in nursing school I worked at a nursing home on a wing with young children that were all on ventilators, with trachs and needed 24 hour care. That same summer I contracted Lyme disease (1995) and then spent the following Spring doing my internship on a Children's Bone Marrow Transplant/Oncology unit. I saw parents losing their children on a regular basis. It was then when a strong understanding came to me, not based on any religion, but really the only way I could go on doing my job without losing my mind. How could I explain that some 90 year old abusive s.o.b lives to be so old and a young child dies at six having lived such a short painful life? Something came to me one night as I stood in the room of a 9 year old after he had left his body. I could feel the spirit had left and there was just flesh and bones remaining. That night I was comforted by the feeling that there must be some plan, some amount of time or karma or life experience that is to occur in this life and when it is done, then it is time to go. And often in that going there is other karma, life experience that happens to the people around that is needed as well. For me this was the only thought pattern that helped. It soothed the need to find a logical reason, because watching young people become disabled or die just doesn't make sense. After that night I was somehow able to approach my life and my work and my own loss in a different way. I still have the emotions, the feelings, the grief when the situation dictates it (like in tragic loss of a youth), but I take comfort in knowing that there must me some plan that I am just unaware of. I have gone on to work with medically fragile pre-school children that are profoundly ill and die young. Their parents have to cherish every painful moment with their children as they know there may not be many. Again, if I try to find a "reason" for it I will drive myself crazy as will the parents. For me, it is just happens the way it happens. There must be a greater order driving how things are.  For me, that brings a little comfort in absolutely heart breaking times."