Friday, May 11, 2012

Learning to listen

Listening to music is simple. Choosing not to listen when someone is talking and you don't want to hear what they have to say, also simple. But having to listen to your body and know what it is trying to tell you, not simple. The messages seem cryptic and confusing with hidden paths and potholes.

When living with illness, the balance between being functional and completely crashing is so delicate. One is always picking and choosing, weighing all options and trying to discern who is talking. Is it that inner knowing that says to rest or even to get up? Or is it that desire that really wants to be fulfilled but would be detrimental to that ever-so-delicate balance you are trying to maintain?

I gotta say I am getting weary from trying to figure out who is talking. And, unfortunately, the consequences are so high why I don't hear what is really being said. Thankfully, tonight the voice of reason screamed loud enough (multiple times) and somehow I resisted going on a walk (three times) when really I was too tired to do so. Bummer. It was pretty outside, the air smelled nice and I am blessed to not be suffering with allergies. But, I listened. It will be nice tomorrow and hopefully the fatigue will have lessened enough that I can get out and enjoy the beauty.

And tomorrow, yet again, I will need to unclog my ears and listen. Really listen.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Roller coaster

I feel as if I have been tumbled about on a roller coaster ride these last few weeks. Would rather not relive the trials and tribulations. Somehow though I want to capture the essence in a short manner. Doing anything small has never been my forte. I will give it an honest effort.

I am getting stronger. Can't deny that. The treatment (traditional Chinese herbal medicine, Chinese/Japanese traditional treatments, supplements and vitamins, thyroid and immune support medication, saunas, detox baths, walks, massage, counseling, clean diet, rest alternating with activity, etc. etc.) seems to be moving me in the right direction. For that I am very grateful. So many symptoms are calming down. But somehow, the gradual calming of the ever-so-familiar symptoms is making room for new, or even very old symptoms/patterns, to show themselves. I should probably be grateful for this too. I must say opening that gratitude jar is a lot more challenging.

Any illness, any chronic long-term journey towards wellness, really brings forth all that needs healing. This is happening in a MAJOR way in my life. I gotta say it is super tough. Trying to focus on all the positive (go to in a pinch) cliches. Everything happens for a reason. God only gives us what we can handle. Blah blah blah. It is how it is. It is all part of the order. I try to make these sentences drown out the, "Seriously this is happening to me! WHY? I've had enough!" The later battle cry doesn't help anything. Everything that is happening is happening because for some reason it is supposed to. I must listen to the subtle messages and move forward in this time of healing in whatever way necessary. (Remind me of that next I am whining and screaming to make this scary roller coaster ride stop!).