How Many Spoons Today?

To answer that question, I am very low on spoons today. I will explain that in a moment, but first a little aside. 

My husband sent me this picture as a present last night. I have always associated Borage with one of it's medicinal qualities - courage. Borage for courage. I can use a major helping of that today!

I started writing this post last night so I guess I will go ahead with it. Not inspired to write today.

It is interesting how many people tell me how much better I am looking lately. On one hand that is encouraging. Apparently for months I was this awful pasty color. It is nice to know I look alive again. 

One thing to remember is just because someone looks "good" doesn't mean they feel good. It may mean it is better day or it may mean they are just really good at faking it. The longer one feels sick the better one gets at faking it, especially if your "lousy" is still lousy but a little less lousy than the lousiest of days.

I recently was gifted with a story and an analogy that I related to so much. It is called the Spoon Theory. Please check it out:  http://butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

I like that the website is called "But you don't look sick." I can really relate to this. There are some days that it is so obvious how I feel, but most of the time you probably wouldn't have any idea. This is both a blessing and a curse in some ways. In the healing process I am coming to both accept this body as it is and also visualize it doing things and feeling ways that I haven't imagined in years. I like to visualize walking a half-marathon or climbing a huge mountain. Heck, walking for more then 15 minutes would be just as big an accomplishment at the moment! I know I will get there. I just need to have patience, visualize this treatment working and trust the power of this body to heal.

I must say that the Spoon Theory (which uses spoons as an analogy for energy) has given me great language to refer to the amount of energy I have. One day after I spent an hour arguing on the phone with AT&T when I was supposed to be resting, my husband called and said, "Honey, you don't have enough spoons to go wasting them on AT&T. Now get some rest." That still makes me smile.

That is the thing about chronic illness (of any type). You can't just push your body to the limits and expect energy to come or to rest up tomorrow. Once you are out of spoons (energy) you are out. And if you borrow from tomorrow then you could end up in major spoon debt. Apparently that is what I was in the last few months. A wise Hindu monk recently shared this story with me including that I was in spoon debt. Immediately I started noticing how much energy it took to get up, to take my medicines, to shower, to make breakfast and lunch. By the time all this was done I had to lay down and rest. If I didn't then pretty soon I was halfway through my spoons for the day and it was only 9:00 a.m.! 

I think the Spoon Theory has helped me to see the reality of what my body can do right now and how to work within it's limits. For that I am thankful. At the same time I am constantly envisioning when I will have limitless "spoons" again and be able to run, walk, bike and just play without thinking about it!!!