Friday, April 20, 2012

Trust

It has been almost a month since I have written. I feel all jumbled just trying to think about how to summarize. There is no way to succinctly say what has been happening or how I have been feeling. Maybe there is no need to say it either. What is wanting to come out right now is the issue of trust.

We all have trust issues. We are born helpless as babies and have to trust completely that our caregivers will do what is best for us. Sometimes this happens and sometimes it doesn't. As I told my daughter recently when she was complaining about some of her friend's parents, "As parents, we all do our best based on the circumstances and the background. Sometimes our best is pretty shitty, but it is the best we can do at that time." We as children grow up with all this baggage. Then, as adults when we are ready to deal with it, strong enough to handle what is inside the suitcases, it is as if they start unpacking themselves.

Now, toss in chronic or severe illness into the mix and well, there is quite a party to be had. When we are sick physically, mentally and emotionally those reserves to handle the baggage that starts unpacking are greatly reduced or depleted. Life goes on as we struggle to deal with what has seemed so basic. Tasks like getting out of bed, bathing and getting dressed now take more energy than sometimes is there. The day is spent trying to manage the myriad of symptoms and to stay as positive as possible. We have to trust that everything will be okay.

There is the million dollar word. Trust. We must have faith and trust that our bodies will heal. That our friends, family, co-workers, bosses, spiritual community, etc. will understand that we are ill and doing the best we can. We have to trust that someday this will be better. Sometimes we are vulnerable, very vulnerable. Many of us have varying degrees of long-standing trust issues from childhood traumas or abuse. On some level we can't trust our minds or bodies when sick because they are so unpredictable. It gets even more complicated and painful when people around us use this time of vulnerability to break that trust. It is a delicate time. A time to foster trust and faith.

I have been contemplating this a lot lately. I know this is a huge issue for me, and likely for many others. How to really trust when so sick and vulnerable? I can't say I know the answer. What I can say is that I am trying. I am sad that people use this time of vulnerability to purposely break that trust. I guess that is human nature. We are given free will and sometimes, for reasons unknown, people use that free will to go against proper values and what is correct. But life goes on. We keep growing and healing and building/re-building this trust muscle. We do the best we can to trust and have faith that all is and will be well.