Life as it is

Life can be really hard. I can make a list of all the symptoms that I have and another list of all the challenges that I face or have recently faced. And yet another list of all the challenges my family faces. I can justify us all to be extremely angry and depressed. It would be completely just, but what good would that do?

What good does it do to prove that I am right? The doctors that didn't diagnose me for 16 years were wrong. The people that have hurt my family are wrong. My family members could make better choices to take care of themselves and make their lives smoother.  I am in so much pain and have to force myself to work and pay the bills rather than get government assistance that I likely won't qualify for while we pay way too much money for insurance that doesn't cover much. What good does it do to lament and string a mala of discontent? None.

We all hear the one liners throughout our lives about looking on the bright side, cup half-full, think positive...blah blah blah. But, really, when the shit hits the fan in your life it is the only thing to do. It really doesn't help to justify your misery about all the woes in your life. Trust me...I have tried.

What helps? Well, I think just accepting what is and doing what is to be done to help when there is something that will help. And let go. And forgive. And smile. And laugh. And enjoy as best you can, through the pain and the challenges again and again. It is how it is. I don't know why this is the way it is, but I can't change it. Resistance is futile. I can accept and live fully or resist and be miserable. I think I will choose the former cause' the fruits are a little easier to swallow.

Walls

"Hit the wall, " a violent metaphor that I try not to use. It's common usuage though makes it a perfect example.  I have been watching the Olympic trials lately and have heard the phrase referred to again and again. When the athlete "hits the wall" they must dig deep into their reserves to keep moving forward or succomb to physical collapse. I can really relate to this.

Maybe instead of the oh-so-violent "hitting" I will say "met the wall" instead. Meeting the wall is a common occurence for anyone who is chronically ill. For me, that wall has been too close recently in that I feel as if it is there all the time. I can count the cracks and crevices on the wall and would prefer it to go away. I could push against it, whine and complain. I know it won't change a thing though, cause' it's a wall. It is what is.

The body is part of the greater order of things. Why is it in so much pain and so weak? That is the million dollar question to which there is no answer. When we follow the answer back to the source -- it just is. I can fight it or accept it. Two choices. That doesn't mean give up. Do what needs to be done to help. But, if the wall is there I can meet it and greet it or hit it and fall down. I can dig deep into those inner resources like the athletes do in hopes that I can push forward. This doesn't always work though because in chronic illness the body is so depleted. Sometimes the answer that comes when I dig is, "The account is empty. You are now borrowing on credit."

I think I am learning to manage the walls. Greet them, meet them, accept them more. This doesn't mean I am not tired of them. I am so freaking tired of managing them - the utter exhaustion and fatigue from a myriad of symptoms. But, I can see that "hitting them" or falling to the floor in tears at the sight of yet another wall is just not an option.

Meet and greet with as much of a smile as I can muster....all I can do right now.