After many uses of the delete key, it is crystal clear that this blog is ending. I'm not ticked off anymore. That is really something to celebrate. There is a lot of unwinding and healing still to come in the next twenty months (according to my horror-scope), and I am prepared to take the time and space to allow it to happen. My daughter thinks I may have been abducted by aliens. It's possible. If so, this new Faith model is much more pleasant so I think I'll keep her. She doesn't even yell and have emotional verbal diarrhea. Or at least she hasn't for two weeks. Definitely a record, and worth the effort to extend.
Maybe I should back up a bit and explain why it sounds like I stumbled upon a bottle of happy juice. Just a month ago I literally felt like I had one foot in the grave. I was running in circles trying to figure out what to do, how to get well and who could save me. Ever other word seemed to be overwhelm. Doctors saying big scary things like "auto immune encephalitis" didn't help the insanity spiral. Somehow I was gifted with the opportunity to attend the Shan Ren Dao Retreat outside of Portland, OR. I don't know how to explain the retreat without sounding like a lunatic (even more than usual). I can say this though, that it was completely transformative. Being there was truly the hardest thing I have ever entered into and definitely the most rewarding. I feel alive and ready to live my life. My body is no longer the enemy, but instead a trusted friend that doesn't lie and will give me clues to what it needs if I just remain open to hearing them. I told you if I started to talk about it you would think I was nuts.
I really didn't just fall off the turnip truck and get a concussion. Something has changed. I feel different at a cellular level. Everyone keeps coming up to me, "You look good....different. Not sure what though." The head pain of 2.5 years has not vanished without a trace, but it is improving and lots of unpleasant symptoms (and medications) are gone. I am stronger, have energy and can cope with life in a way I think I never have before. I don't feel trapped in this body-mind-sense complex and sentenced to some torturous existence. There is a lot of light shining.
Considering the challenges I came home to, that is impressive. My daughter and husband went through a major family crisis while I was gone. Much of their worry was how I would react and if they would be able to pick up the pieces after I exploded. Big surprise, I didn't explode, and have instead responded appropriately. How bout' that for shaking things up around the homestead?
And then came the heavy heart home coming. A family I have grown to love and respect immensely were in the final stages of caring for their sweet 4 year old boy. He passed in their arms after a life filled with immense challenges and pain. I was honored to be with the family hours before he passed and hours after. My heart breaks in two for them as they move forward with their grief. But somehow, I was able to be there for them in a way I couldn't just a few weeks ago because of illness that had me basically bedridden. I wanted more than anything to just be able to support them and that happened. I am humbled and deeply honored.
In some way this little boy passing was an end to eleven years of working with medically fragile children. This book in my life is over, at least for now. But with it goes the pattern of attachment to my illness. As much as I have given to being a nurse, I have also sunk deeper into identifying with Lyme disease and it's many companions. Both chapters ended suddenly along with the book. I have resigned from my job as a Early Childhood Special Education Nurse and will wait for the new chapter in my career to show itself. These final weeks at work feel like the epilogue. I know what is next will unfold in time. Waiting and trusting feels right which is far from my typical pattern. This definitely adds more fuel to the alien abduction theory.
Now I walk forward, feeling grounded and content with what is. I am profoundly grateful for everyone who has supported me in countless ways. It is time for me to take responsibility for my life, and to step fully into what I have been gifted. I am going to heal completely. It is happening.
Thank you.
