I think it is appropriate to post a bit of a disclaimer. This post isn't going to be sugar coated with humor or some positive message that I am trying to talk myself into. I just can't muster it at the moment. Sure, there is positive in my life, lots of it. For that I am grateful. But really, sometimes I think one just needs to let it out and now is the time for me.
I am so freaking tired of this journey. I am tired of Lyme Disease and whatever co-infections, autoimmune diseases, mold and chemical sensitivities, etc. that go along with it. I am tired of PTSD and it's not-so-pretty manifestations. I don't want to wake up with the symptom of the day, cry in the car before and after home visits at work because I am so tired. I don't want to fake it and make it. I don't want to have infections I can't get rid of or pain that is so familiar that I talk to it when it returns after a brief exodus. I don't want to worry about nutrition and what I should or shouldn't be eating. I don't want to startle so badly that it takes hours to recover and realize that I am safe. I don't want to keep searching for answers or accept the very uncomfortable and unpredictable present. I don't want to miss my 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to nearly pass out from a short walk or bike ride. I don't want to feel this lost and floundering.
I just want off this sorry-go-round.
Okay, deep breath. Time to slow down the pity party.
No matter how much I want off this ride that is my life, I don't get to hop off. Just like everyone has their intense challenges and they have to keep going. I have to keep going. Gosh I want it to be different. I want to feel good and lay on a beach and swim in the ocean and laugh with old friends. Oh, I want to do that. But just like my mama always said, "You don't always get what you want. You are old enough for your wants not to hurt ya." Well darn it.
I am so freaking tired of this journey. I am tired of Lyme Disease and whatever co-infections, autoimmune diseases, mold and chemical sensitivities, etc. that go along with it. I am tired of PTSD and it's not-so-pretty manifestations. I don't want to wake up with the symptom of the day, cry in the car before and after home visits at work because I am so tired. I don't want to fake it and make it. I don't want to have infections I can't get rid of or pain that is so familiar that I talk to it when it returns after a brief exodus. I don't want to worry about nutrition and what I should or shouldn't be eating. I don't want to startle so badly that it takes hours to recover and realize that I am safe. I don't want to keep searching for answers or accept the very uncomfortable and unpredictable present. I don't want to miss my 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to nearly pass out from a short walk or bike ride. I don't want to feel this lost and floundering.
I just want off this sorry-go-round.
Okay, deep breath. Time to slow down the pity party.
No matter how much I want off this ride that is my life, I don't get to hop off. Just like everyone has their intense challenges and they have to keep going. I have to keep going. Gosh I want it to be different. I want to feel good and lay on a beach and swim in the ocean and laugh with old friends. Oh, I want to do that. But just like my mama always said, "You don't always get what you want. You are old enough for your wants not to hurt ya." Well darn it.
