Monday, July 25, 2011

37 and counting

Tomorrow will mark 37 times I have ridden the cosmic orbit around the sun. That sounds so much better than saying "I'm 37."

I have come to care very little about my birthday in recent years. This year I seem to be reflecting about it more. Maybe this is because there is so much happening in my life. I'm not sure. I do know I appreciate the well wishes, prayers and the chance to pamper myself even a little.

Earlier today (after gagging on a nasty medicine) I was thinking about how sick I am of taking 15 medicines twice a day (I just counted for the first time tonight --- and this doesn't include as needed things). Then I shifted that thought to, "I am so lucky to have a condition that even has a possible treatment." That shift in thought is a great example of the intention I have for this next rotation around the sun.

I have always loved the Gandhi quotation, "Be the change you want to see in the world." I think I will make that even closer to home. "Be the shift you want to see in your life." It's really time. Let the shifting begin.

My goddess fairy sister gave me the most lovely birthday card tonight. These words she wrote sum up my intentions for this coming journey, "I am wanting one thing for you this year -- to be yourself, fully well." Fully well -- my time is here! Yippee. 

Friday, July 22, 2011

Flexibility and Fluidity

Flexibility and fluidity have never been my strengths. I want firmness. I want to know what has happened, is happening and is about to happen.

I haven't had a crushing headache for a little while and I wanted it to stay that way. I was feeling stronger and happy about my little accomplishments. I wanted that theme to continue into today. Today was a day with no commitments, sunshine and even some energy. That was the plan for today. Get the house cleaned, have free time to pamper myself and then have a date with my husband.

I spent time in the garden. The house did get clean thanks to the help of my wonderful teenage daughter. (Never mind that I have to pay her for her cleaning services) I went for a walk around the block with the dog (first time around the block in as long as I can remember). I had a yummy lunch outside. I laid in the hammock with the kitty feeling the warm sunshine on my face. But since then I have been laying in bed zoning out of re-runs because I have a mind-blowing headache. Just the pressure of my feet touching the ground is too much. It is to be expected I guess. I increased my dose of medication last night. I had been getting sick when I did this over the last month.

(Here comes the "but" and the anger.) But, this didn't happen last week when I increased my dose. This isn't supposed to happen anymore. I am suppose to have a day of feeling good and enjoying my day off -- right?

"Okay Faith....get a grip. You have a choice. You have laid in bed so your head didn't feel like it was going to explode. You are bored now and getting out the baseball bat to bloody yourself. This is not a good decision. You said the bat was retired. Get up and go check on the diabetic cat in the kennel that isn't eating, do your evening prayers and do something special for yourself in the last hour of the evening. You have a sauna and hot tub. Use it!"

Hmmm. It sounds like I should listen to that little voice. She sounded pretty powerful.

It is okay that there was a blip today. It was still a good day. Just cause' the f-ing headache returned today doesn't mean it won't leave. This is no step backward. The body is still healing. I need to just go with the flow.

I guess I can choose to go with the flow or I can kick and scream and be taken downstream anyway. I think I will choose the flow. Time to get up. I'll fake it and make it if I have to.



Thursday, July 21, 2011

SHOUTING about accomplishments

I have often found it easy to see what is not done or what I could do better. This perfectionism which leads to self-flagellation is really no longer serving me. And inevitably once we get tired of beating ourselves up with words and thoughts we turn that negative attention outward towards our loved ones.
It am ready for a change in this oh-so-old behavior patten. It is time to celebrate the improvements even when they seem ever so small.

1. I HAVE ENERGY! I no longer have to take a nap in the morning. (This is a huge accomplishment!) I used to get up, shower, do my morning meditation/prayers, take medicine, make lunches and get my daughter off to school and then I would have to lay back down for 2 hours. Now I can make it until about 2:30 p.m. without collapsing into the heated bed.

2. MY MEMORY EXISTS! My memory seems to be getting better. I am still very forgetful but at least I am not routinely forgetting what I am saying mid-sentence. There was a funny lapse of memory yesterday that is worth repeating. I had bought a container or lettuce and spinach starts at Down to Earth. I asked my daughter to get them out of the car. I couldn't remember the name "plant starts" and instead said "earthy growy things." At least I made her laugh. I find comfort in knowing my lack of memory and choice of words can be of social service to others.

3. THERE IS SPACE IN MY HEAD FOR THOUGHTS! I no longer have a crushing headache 24 hours a day that fills every corner of the head with pain leaving no space for any thinking or functioning capacity.

4. NO MORE HERXING! I don't have a fever and flu-symptoms when I take my medicine.

5. THE BACTERIA IS DYING! When I increase my dose of medication the pain is not so bad that I have to be in bed for 2 days.

6. GETTING STRONGER! I can walk to the end of the street (most days) without feeling like I need a wheelchair ride back. Next step -- a yoga class.

7. MOVING FORWARD AND SEEING IT! People see me and say, "You look so much better." At first I wanted to respond by saying, "But I feel like shit." Now I can see that I am better in many ways.

8. CALM! This week I am not having panic attacks that last all day.

9. PINK SKIN (or at least my normal olive skin tone)! My skin color is not so pale that it makes people want to call 911.

10. STRENGTH IN CONSTITUTION! I can stay upright for more than 2 hours without feeling like I am going to faint.

11. FIERY! I have enough energy to actually get mad and fired up about something (sometimes).

12. GARDENING! I can weed the garden for a few minutes before my thighs start to protest.

13. THE MEDICATION IS WORKING! I have pain in my body and a worsening of symptoms sometimes in relation to my medication dose, which shows it is working and the Lyme bacteria are dying.

14. SURFER GIRL! Instead of focusing of having nightmares about being sick the rest of my life I am visualizing being strong enough to paddle out into the ocean and ride a wave! Look out world...Faith's gonna be a surfer girl!

15. PHYSICALLY STRONG! I have a physical goal to work towards and I am extremely excited about it! I am going to cut out pictures of female surfers and post them everywhere just in case I get discouraged.

16. WORKING! I actually work 40-45 hours a week between my job as a nurse and a kitty kennel owner. I am tired in the evenings but not feeling near death.

17.  GETTING PAID! Working my regular schedule = earning my regular pay. This means I won't cry when I see my bank balance at the beginning of the month.

18. I AM HEALING! EVERY DAY IS A STEP FORWARD!

I decided to SHOUT my accomplishments. (I have been reminded of how fun this is from watching the Italian baker family on Cake Boss. Netflix in the afternoon is how I distract myself when I feel icky.) Why not shout? I'm half Italian so I have the right to shout as much as I want, even about the good stuff. Hmmm. Now I am imagining climbing to the top of a mountain SHOUTING about how strong and healthy I am. This is a lot more fun then getting out the bat to beat on oneself! I will continue to make the conscious effort to retire the bat and keep it in retirement. It's about time!












Monday, July 18, 2011

Can I have a cup of energy please?

Earlier today I felt like I had a little energy. That feeling has exited as quickly as the air releases in a balloon. Now I feel like I am carrying an extra 100 pound weight as I try to move about the house. Everything hurts.

I thought a little rest in bed with the laptop would rejuvenate me. Wrong. When am I going to learn the laptop shouldn't be my partner in bed? I think it is my attempt to "zone out." That works sometimes, but not when I am really exhausted. Truth be told, nothing works when I really exhausted and in pain. I should re-phrase that. In the past nothing has worked, but in the present there are endless possibilities.

I just got up to let the dog out and suddenly realized I had left the milk sitting in the car for the last two hours. Oops. Hope it is still good. It felt cool still. Once I let the dog out I thought I would take the trek to the mailbox and then get the milk. That journey has resulted in another rest on the couch. This time with the laptop to do a little blogging.

This would be a perfect time for a cup of strong black tea or coffee. Except I have been abstaining from those items to give the adrenals a break. Maybe the adrenals have rested long enough. That is a great idea but it seems doubtful. I could also use a nice cupcake or donut or maybe even some pie. Abstaining from those too. So boring.

Okay, I guess it is time for me to put down the laptop and to dig deep into that self-care list to find something that is rejuvenating. I'll start by ending this complaining session with something to be grateful for. Hmmm. I am grateful to have excellent hearing so I can hear the symphony of birds outside my window. They do sound delightful! I guess that is a start in the right direction.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Surfer Girl



My childhood memories are surrounded in water. I swam in Fishing Bay (while living on Elliott's Island, MD) as early as March and I remember getting in the Atlantic Ocean at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware in April. I would stay in a pool from sun up to sun down if it was impossible to get to the beach that day. If I needed to feel my body's strength, to relax, to have fun, to be alive --- I would get in the water (especially the ocean).


Since getting sick in the mid 90's I have not been able to get into water that was not very warm unless the air temperature was over 90. I have watched my body get weaker and weaker. My time in the water has been limited to hot springs and hot tubs.


Hot water is nothing to complain about, and I am blessed to have the means to immerse in hot water whenever I want to. That said, I long for those days when I could stand in the ocean feeling strong and powerful.


Since starting the treatment program for Lyme Disease I have thought I wanted to set a physical goal to work towards, something to focus on other than how sick I feel most days. I have thought of various things -- walk a half-marathon, climb a mountain and/or go backpacking. All of that sounds great but none of it has felt like the "shining light" that I have been imagining that will keep burning and reminding me why I am going through this.

Today it came to me so very clearly. I want to learn to surf. I want to be strong enough to put on a wetsuit and paddle out into the Pacific Ocean. Now for those of you that are fearing for my life or think I have lost my mind, please know that I have a plan. My husband has surfed for most of his life. We have a wet suit and a surf board that would work for me. I would even like to travel to Mexico (never been there) and start with lessons in a bathing suit (before I have to put on the extremely thick wet suit that makes me claustrophobic). Then I can venture up to the Oregon Coast's frigid and rough waters.


To even think about being that strong is both exciting and terrifying. For now I will take baby steps. Continue to walk every day even if 10 minutes is all the energy I have. Keep doing gentle yoga at home and work up to an actual yoga class. Start dancing again. First in front of the Wii with my daughter and maybe eventually a NIA class. Then, longer endurance and a stronger core --- bike riding, swimming, core strength building exercises.

The plan is there. I just have to keep seeing and believing it. It is possible. Although some days are still really hard, I get glimpses of having a little more energy. The doctor said this would happen. "Your better will start being a lot better as you improve. The hard days won't be as hard." I look forward to this and can see it beginning to happen.

I remember being 19 years old walking home along the beach at 10:00 p.m. under a beautiful moonlit sky. The Atlantic Ocean was glistening and so inviting. I had swam it that ocean since I was a infant. I respected her and knew her so well. I remember being entranced that night and swimming by myself as others watched in amazement. I also remember swimming with dolphins at sunrise and barely escaping the razor's edge of the jetty because I didn't want to say goodbye. I remember those days and long for them. I long for the salt water in my ears. I long for the feeling of sore muscles that doesn't mean I will be incapacitated for days on end.


I am excited to explore the ocean again. This time in the cool waters of the Pacific. An ocean that I don't know in the same way I knew the Atlantic. Her fierceness will require amazing strength and trust and intuition. I have to believe in myself. It will be a journey. Definitely something to look forward to.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Snakes and Roses

The snakes of depression, anxiety, hopelessness seem to have slithered into my life again. They have come many times over the years. Sometimes the bite is severe and other times I can just be aware of their presence and somehow manage.  To be going through Lyme treatment and the associated side effects of the bacteria dying in the brain at the same time as my week of PMS (when the snakes like to come) feels like too much. I wonder if finally I will get bitten by a rattle snake and be put out of my misery.
Then the reality hits that the snakes are not really there, nor is the misery. There needn't be a cure for an imaginary snake bite. All I have to do is remind myself again and again that I am still the same person this week as I was last week. I just happen to be living in a "as though" snake pit at the moment. I know all the cliches, "This too shall pass. Look on the bright side." Blah, Blah, Blah. I can even one up that since I have been studying Vedanta for years. "You are the limitless happiness that upholds the sadness." I have the same response. Blah, Blah, Blah. I know on weeks like this it is just about survival. Putting one foot in front of the other, staying as present as possible, self-care, etc. When you feel as if the giant cobra snake is squeezing the life out of you self-care just doesn't seem feasible. I think I have to do more than just have an intention to use the self-care tools I know that have worked in the past. Drastic times call for drastic measures. I think it is time for a list....

1) Make fresh herbal tea from the garden
2) Pick roses (focusing on the beauty and not the black spot)
3) Lay in the hammock and read or just listen to the birds
4) Sauna and hot tub (since I am blessed to have both)
5) A leisurely walk with the dog
6) A trip to the rose garden with my daughter
7) Call my friend to help me buy flowers and plant them in my two empty beds
8) Listen to inspirational guided meditations
9) Gentle yoga
10) Back Flower Essences
11) Finally open the deck of inspirational cards my co-worker loaned me
12) Pray in the beautiful shrine that happens to be conveniently located in my backyard
13) Make lavender wands with my daughter
14) Fill in a mandala in the coloring book
15) Pick fresh herbs to dry
16) Make yummy food from the fresh veggies and herbs in the garden

I must say I feel calmer and less "snake infested" just typing this list. That was the goal. Now time to pick something of the list!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

How Many Spoons Today?



To answer that question, I am very low on spoons today. I will explain that in a moment, but first a little aside. 

My husband sent me this picture as a present last night. I have always associated Borage with one of it's medicinal qualities - courage. Borage for courage. I can use a major helping of that today!

I started writing this post last night so I guess I will go ahead with it. Not inspired to write today.

It is interesting how many people tell me how much better I am looking lately. On one hand that is encouraging. Apparently for months I was this awful pasty color. It is nice to know I look alive again. 

One thing to remember is just because someone looks "good" doesn't mean they feel good. It may mean it is better day or it may mean they are just really good at faking it. The longer one feels sick the better one gets at faking it, especially if your "lousy" is still lousy but a little less lousy than the lousiest of days.

I recently was gifted with a story and an analogy that I related to so much. It is called the Spoon Theory. Please check it out:  http://butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

I like that the website is called "But you don't look sick." I can really relate to this. There are some days that it is so obvious how I feel, but most of the time you probably wouldn't have any idea. This is both a blessing and a curse in some ways. In the healing process I am coming to both accept this body as it is and also visualize it doing things and feeling ways that I haven't imagined in years. I like to visualize walking a half-marathon or climbing a huge mountain. Heck, walking for more then 15 minutes would be just as big an accomplishment at the moment! I know I will get there. I just need to have patience, visualize this treatment working and trust the power of this body to heal.

I must say that the Spoon Theory (which uses spoons as an analogy for energy) has given me great language to refer to the amount of energy I have. One day after I spent an hour arguing on the phone with AT&T when I was supposed to be resting, my husband called and said, "Honey, you don't have enough spoons to go wasting them on AT&T. Now get some rest." That still makes me smile.

That is the thing about chronic illness (of any type). You can't just push your body to the limits and expect energy to come or to rest up tomorrow. Once you are out of spoons (energy) you are out. And if you borrow from tomorrow then you could end up in major spoon debt. Apparently that is what I was in the last few months. A wise Hindu monk recently shared this story with me including that I was in spoon debt. Immediately I started noticing how much energy it took to get up, to take my medicines, to shower, to make breakfast and lunch. By the time all this was done I had to lay down and rest. If I didn't then pretty soon I was halfway through my spoons for the day and it was only 9:00 a.m.! 

I think the Spoon Theory has helped me to see the reality of what my body can do right now and how to work within it's limits. For that I am thankful. At the same time I am constantly envisioning when I will have limitless "spoons" again and be able to run, walk, bike and just play without thinking about it!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Many Questions

When one finally admits that one is physically ill the questions that come from well-meaning friends  and colleagues are many. I thought it would be fun (and healing) to answer them .... again....all at once, where everyone can read them.

How are you? This is such a tough question to answer. "Hanging in there" seems to be my most common response. "It's complicated" is what I often want to say. Maybe if the person asking the question reads the answers to the rest of these questions it will all make a little more sense.

Were you bitten by a tick?
I want to answer with a smart ass comment but I have refrained from that and have chosen to stick to the facts. I grew up in Maryland on a farm where my parents had a deer butcher shop. Finding ticks on your body was just part of life. It wasn't a big deal to us. I can remember it being kind of a fun event to burn them in an ashtray after digging them out of your skin. The only tick bite I actually remember is the one that seems to have caused this disease. That would have been Father's Day 1995. I was sitting in the grass in a dress and a few days later found a tick buried into my ass check. Like always I pulled it off and didn't think anything of it. I remember it itching and noticing that I had a big rash on my butt which wasn't typical for my tick bites. At the time I didn't really know anything about Lyme Disease or what one should do if that happens. Now I would get my "ass" to the doctor and demand a course of antibiotics to prevent transmission of the infection. I didn't have that information then so I just ignored it.

When did you get sick? I started getting sick not too long after the tick bite. This is all a bit foggy and it is a long complicated story. The short version is that it started with generalized viral symptoms which I thought were allergies and/or a sinus infection that I couldn't get over. That progressed to severe fatigue, joint pain and eventually crippling neuralgias. I had to move home with my mom and was barely functional. I had heart palpitations, severe headaches and pain. I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and treated with antibiotics. (Unfortunately it was the wrong antibiotic for too short of an amount of time.) I improved enough to return to Pennsylvania for my senior year of nursing school but was never the same. Since then I have had one health issue after another with more diagnoses than I care to discuss (including Fibromyalgia). Most recently, in March, I developed a severe headache that decided to stick around for over 2 months. Really this was a blessing because it led me back to "the beginning" of when my health deteriorated and also this road to healing.

What is the treatment? This is a complicated answer. As if any of this isn't complicated! First I spent a month taking various supplements and medications to get the body stronger, decrease pain, get better rest, etc. Now I am on very powerful anti-microbial medication (Samento and Banderol). The main problem is giving people too much too fast and making them very sick. The combo seem to kill all forms of the bacteria even more effectively than traditional antibiotics. Once the bacteria is dead the body has to deal with the neurotoxin, excretion and inflammation. One is subject to something called a Herxheimer reaction. (Just thinking about "herxing" as it is called gives me the chills.) It is a reaction from bacteria die off that occurs in Syphilis and in Lyme Disease. My experience after the second dose of the medication was an intense headache, body pain, severe sweating, chills, fever and overall misery. That episode lasted for 5 hours and thankfully hasn't returned with such intensity. Currently I am suppose to increase my dose every 2 days until symptoms worsen or I "herx" and then hold the dose until I feel better. So far I can only handle increasing once or twice a week. My doctor was kind enough to start me on 2 drops (starting dose is usually 5). It has taken me 2 1/2 weeks to get up to the starting dose. Apparently that is fine. Slow and steady will win this race.


Are you feeling better? Define better. I feel like I am on the road to healing. That is better. Do I have more symptoms than I care to list or think about? Yes. Am I better than I was when I had a non-stop crushing headache for 2 months? Yes. Do I feel better than the month that I worked on getting stronger and was headache free? No. Do I know that this "feeling worse" is actually a sign that I am getting better because the stupid little Lyme bacteria are dying, secreting neurotoxin, causing an inflammatory response and the body is trying desperately to excrete them? Yes. Is that better? I guess so. Does it feel better? No. See...complicated.

Is the treatment working? I sure hope so. Only time will tell. The fact that I feel sick when I take the medication seems to indicate that the bacteria are dying. How much damage was done from years of having this disease and will it all be reversible? Again, only time will tell.

How long will you be in treatment? Impossible to know but the doctor seems to think one to two years. The first few months are the hardest and after that my periods of feeling better should be "a lot better" and the bar will continue to rise of what "better" is. (At least that is what he tells me. What I have read on the Internet seems to corroborate that.)

Who is your doctor? Dr. Ryan Campbell. He is a naturopath (better known as my angel) who recently moved to Eugene. While in school he worked in a clinic in Seattle with a Naturopath and a traditionally trained medical doctor who specialize in Lyme Disease treatment. The term is "LLD" - Lyme Literate Doctor. Meaning that most doctors are truly illiterate in this realm - either have very little to no information on how to treat Lyme disease or have the incorrect information that after a month of antibiotics the disease is gone and any symptoms that happen after that are unrelated. A LLD is hopefully informed in the latest information and connected with ILADS which is the organization of physicians that has the most current treatment information. Dr. Campbell has really gone the extra mile for me. He has done copious amounts of research, has called and consulted with the docs in Seattle and he has even spent a day job-shadowing them recently to make sure he had all the current information on how to treat Chronic Lyme Disease. But the most important thing he has done is to really listen to me, to not discount my experience and to trust me. Those things --- priceless.

How did you find this doctor? Magic.

Have you tried _______? Yes. I have tried almost everything. And if I haven't I probably don't want to at this moment. If you still feel compelled to share then I will listen but please understand I am saturated in this department. In addition to the treatment from Dr. Campbell I am also taking Ayurvedic herbs and following the principles of an Ayurvedic diet for my body type, getting craniosacral work done every 2 weeks (by Benjamin Bell), an occasional massage when I can tolerate it (from Leslie Morrison), daily saunas and hot tubs and resting under heated blankets when I can. I am also supposed to walk and do a little yoga each day (this doesn't always happen). I am open to acupuncture but haven't seen improvement with it in the past. Maybe it could help with the side effects. I will sit with this and see. Finances are a big barrier right now so I have to weigh every decision and see if the benefit is worth the money.

Do you need help? Or, let me know if you need help. Another tough one. Anyone that has every lived with illness knows how hard this is to answer. I am used to giving help, not receiving it. My very wise and inspirational co-worker has offered to help me make a list of what would be helpful so that when people want to help it is easy to guide them. I like this idea. This seems a little better than my current answer, "I am not good at asking for help or giving ideas. If you want to help then do it, but don't wait for me to direct it."
I think the most helpful ways of giving to our family right now are meals (veggie and bean soups and stews are great) and help with general house cleaning and gardening. We also really need an employee that will work at our cat kennel occasionally so we can get away. Our employee moved to Hawaii. We didn't even get to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in May:(  Right now we are needing coverage for July 30-31, Labor Day weekend 9/3-9/5, November 5-7, and December 25-27. We also could use volunteers to help with data entry and petting kitties. Check out our website for more info about the kennel www.auntiescatkennels.com. I'll think of more ideas in time.


After this doesn't work are you going to go to a real doctor - an M.D.? It has been two months since I was asked this question and thankfully it isn't putting me into a rage anymore. I know the man that asked this was genuinely concerned. But really it makes me want to punch something or someone. When I was in the shower (which is where I do my thinking and reflecting) I attempted to count the number of M.D.'s I have seen since getting sick in 1995. I would estimate about 15. I am certain I am forgetting someone and I am even more certain that there are a few I would like to forget. This isn't counting the countless "other" professionals I have seen with various titles: therapists, acupuncturists, naturopaths, homeopaths, massage therapists, herbalists, energy workers, etc. etc.
I am an R.N. so I have quite a bit of knowledge about and experience with working with traditional western physicians. I really see both sides of the coin on this issue. I feel like they are generally good people who are doing the best they can with the training they have had. That said, some choose to continue to grow and "think outside the box" while others choose to put up cement walls to strengthen the box as not to let in a single new idea or way of looking at something. I have met some of both extremes, but most fall somewhere in the middle.
In my own quest for health I have too often had the experience of explaining my history, having tests done, and when the tests don't show a clear problem being told either "You are fine" or "Here is the name for a good counselor" or "Here is ____ diagnosis (that is totally unrelated to the other 15 diagnoses you have)" or "Do this and you will be fine" or "Take this for the symptoms (without treating the cause)."
Without ranting anymore, I can answer this question by saying that I have been to many physicians for many years. Some have helped with symptom management but no one has offered any sincere advice that seemed to be leading to a cure. And truly, if this treatment works - which I believe it is - I wouldn't care if my current doctor was a veterinarian.

I highly recommend watching a very good and disturbing documentary about Lyme Disease "Under Our Skin." Available on Netflix.


(P.S. Are you worried that all the posts are going to be this long and you will never have time to read them? Fear not. They will likely be short. I just had a lot of information to share to "build the foundation.")

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Ticked Off! ..... and finally writing



Ticked Off! That is really what I am feeling right now. I could go on for hours about why I am ticked off about living with Chronic Lyme Disease for the last 16 years without any sincere help by countless medical professionals.  Instead I am going to focus on how I can share my story in a way that both educates and inspires others.

I want to focus on how I am going to be well and I am going to beat this pain in the ass (really pain in the everything) disease. I have lived with ridiculous amounts of fatigue, pain, instability and emotional anguish for far too long. It really is time to get well. I am going to just keep saying it, keeping believing it, keep imagining it until it happens.

I am nearing my 37th birthday. One would think I should be generally healthy and not “over the hill” yet. The truth is I can’t imagine 5 more years in this body, let alone another 50. I have been sick since just before my 21st birthday. I have vague memories of being strong enough to swim for hours in the pool or dance all night. I know it is possible. I just wish I could remember what it felt like. It feels like too long ago. I just keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter what it felt like because pretty soon I will be stronger and wiser than I ever was before. Time to take this “ticked off” energy and channel it into my mission. First it was “Operation get Faith stronger” in order to be well enough to even withstand the Lyme Disease treatment. Now we are into the next phase of the mission, “Operation kill the little bastards” (referring to the Lyme bacteria in case you were concerned).

I like to imagine the bacteria dying and being gently escorted out of my system like debris floating down a river. This image is a little less violent than the above operation title. I know how important this imagery is. I have to trust and believe that this body has the strength, power and wisdom to do what needs to be done to achieve optimum health. Just like in childbirth a woman has to trust the wisdom of her body, I too have trust the wisdom of my body.

How to trust a body that feels as if it has failed you for almost half of your life? I honestly can’t answer that question. I think I am in the phase of “fake it and make it.” I must believe with every ounce of my being that this treatment, these medical professionals, these therapies are exactly what I need in this moment and they will work to eradicate this disease from my body. And if I don’t believe it fully I will just keep faking it until I do. I feel like I know longer have a choice. The disease has backed me into a corner and I have finally come out fighting!