It is 2 a.m.
I lay here writing because, yet again, I have been awakened by this pesky stomach pain that engulfs my abdomen. I think it is the 6th or 7th day in a row that I have woken with this not-so-friendly visitor, although this is the earliest. Yesterday my husband asked, "Is there any day since I have known you that something hasn't hurt?" The answer is probably not, but certainly not in the last two years. I can say with confidence that for almost 2 years I have had knock-you-on-your-ass head pain. In addition there is the not-so-much-fun cycles of stomach pain (abdominal head aches), neck pain, back pain, shoulder pain, tendon pain and hip pain....and let's not forget the nerve pain. Goodness, it's a lot really.
This is my process right now. I am in the process of accepting that this is really happening, it sucks and it doesn't seem to be going away. I hold hope that someday it will go away and I will live without pain, or certainly less pain. I would even settle for intermittent pain. This constant pain that is there all the freaking time is a drag to say the least. It wears out the adrenals, the mind and the spirit.
I feel so much gratitude though, that for the moment I seem to be not running from the pain. Instead I have been guided to a wonderful therapist that specializes in pain management and chronic illness. In just two visits I can already feel my perspective changing. Even the small little changes make a difference. The pain doesn't go away, but my resistance and reaction seems a bit less. And really, anything that helps, even a tiny bit, is worth it right now. My pain level is almost always between 5-7 on a 1-10 scale and way too often is at the "stupid" level which I would guess is somewhere between 8-10. Ten being the extreme pain where it feels like I am passing a kidney stone or birthing a baby in the small space of my skull or I am in some wicked kind of torture chamber where an axe murderer is hacking into my brain.
I spent a good period of time trying to ignore it, push through and tell myself this isn't so bad. Newsflash - it is "so bad." But, that doesn't mean there are not lifestyle changes and small shifts in my awareness that can make a difference. Like the good ol' remembering to breathe into the pain when it increases, and using my coping skills, and......blah blah blah. But, the reality with chronic illness/chronic pain is that making self care a priority in my life is just not optional. Wishing it wasn't happening or trying to ignore it or run away or minimize will do nothing but increase my suffering. It is happening. It sucks. And life goes on.
That is the key. Pain is not optional currently for me, but suffering is optional. This is a phrase I have heard for some time, but it is finally resonating on a deeper level for me. Nothing that I am reading in my new book, "Managing Pain before it Manages You" by Margaret Caudill, is shocking to me. Instead, it is a series of thoughtful reminders and suggestions of how I can be introspective and mindful to ultimately manage this pain a bit better.
The word 'manage' really seems to be the key. This word keeps popping up for me. Really it is all someone with chronic pain can do --- manage. I can see now that my efforts to beat it or run from it were valiant, but ultimately managing is the card that keeps coming up on top of the deck. And in this managing there is opportunity to regain some control of my life which has felt like it was careening down the tracks like an out of control train. That out of control feeling then feeds so many old issues from my past that confound the problem. Add in emotional pain to the physical pain and there is really a recipe for disaster. The physical pain may not be optional, but the emotional pain is.
I am in the process of learning to manage. I keep saying this because I tend to be all or nothing - a die hard perfectionist. Maybe if I keep reminding myself that this is a gentle process of becoming more alert and aware and not one more thing to do or achieve, that that perfectionist will settle down and not get her knickers in a knot. My life is the way it is right now. Pain has joined this party for way too long. It doesn't seem to be leaving no matter how nicely (or not so nicely) I ask. So, for now, it is about managing. Managing this pain before it manages me.
