Awakened at 3:00 a.m. Feel the head pulsing. "Hello headache. It's been four hours since we saw each other. Can't say I missed you." Wondering why I can't go back to sleep. Lately I seem to have come out of the two month long die-off reaction/flare and have felt a little better. Have been able to sleep and function a bit more. I go to the computer and check Facebook and see, "Dawn of the Aquarian Age of Consciousness. Full Moon on December 28th." Oh, now it all makes sense. I know nothing about astrology, other than when "things are happening" my body reacts. I check to see what time the full moon is and I am not surprised that it is at 2:21a.m. No wonder I am up. Well, I can choose to resist or just flow with it. I choose the latter.
Yesterday was very interesting. Actually, the last week has been very interesting. It started with Winter Solstice eve spent at the beautiful and powerful Breitenbush Hot Springs and then a lovely ritual here in Eugene. I can't even put into words what happened for me, other than to say it was transformative. It felt like the beginning of a major vision adjustment. Since then I have felt much softer, much less resistance, more acceptance of what is in my life at the moment. The shift feels subtle and yet massive. I still don't feel well physically, although I am no longer vomiting or having to lay on the floor for a "rest" when moving from room to room, so that is an improvement. I also am no longer retching constantly and can actually move my body a bit for yoga or walking ....more improvements.
It is interesting how sensitive this body has become, to planets, to food, to environment, etc. Have had to completely give up dairy as I realized the stomach pain seemed to be worse with dairy products. Grateful to have seen that and still missing my goat cheese terribly! Attempted to go to the lovely new Unitarian Universalist Church for Christmas Eve service. I somehow blocked out the fact that the building was still in the process of a remodel. I did make it thirty minutes before my eyes were red, my head pain was off the charts and the retching was constant. I was sad to leave but had no choice. The interesting thing is these things haven't gotten me down nor have I spiralled into an endless dark loop downward of wondering what is next, etc. Instead I have been able to go with the flow of this body and nap when it needed to and abstain from what may make things worse (like a chlorinated hot tub....even though it had a front row seat view of the Pacific Ocean). Yesterday I even played the "home maker" role and cooked/baked and organized my spice cupboard. By evening the nausea, retching and head pain had me "grounded" on the living room floor, but I still feel grateful for the opportunity to "play" in the kitchen. It was awesome really.
I guess what I am getting at, is that I do feel a shift, a softening, even though the physical body seems to still be on a yo-yo roller coaster ride. I can't express how grateful I am for that. I am reconnecting to my body through gentle yoga, walking, and just listening. I feel less scared and more present. I feel ready for the day rather than scared of it, which is definitely an improvement considering I have slept very little and already feel the head pain/nausea increasing. The body is such a small part of who we are, yet it is so very easy to get so mixed up. It is a constant process of sifting and untangling from the body and the unconscious. I feel as if there has movement in these areas, hence the vision adjustment. I guess the timing is right, with the Solstice and the beginning of a New Year. I am ready. I thought 2011 was hard, and then 2012 did it's thing. I am ready for 2013 to bring a change in my health, but even more so in how I move and relate to it. I feel it happening. Thank you Universe.
I have been having an amazing experience over the last few weeks working with a deck of cards called Rainbow Warrior Awaken. They have been blowing my mind really. As a breathed in the last paragraph (as I thought I was done writing), I decided to draw a card as an intention of what is to come. RADIANCE. (Okay, that is awesome). "Beloved Rainbow Warrior, the message you are receiving when you draw the card of Radiance is...... you are now called upon to BREAKTHROUGH AND CELEBRATE!" Oh, okay. I can do that. Thank you.
Yesterday was very interesting. Actually, the last week has been very interesting. It started with Winter Solstice eve spent at the beautiful and powerful Breitenbush Hot Springs and then a lovely ritual here in Eugene. I can't even put into words what happened for me, other than to say it was transformative. It felt like the beginning of a major vision adjustment. Since then I have felt much softer, much less resistance, more acceptance of what is in my life at the moment. The shift feels subtle and yet massive. I still don't feel well physically, although I am no longer vomiting or having to lay on the floor for a "rest" when moving from room to room, so that is an improvement. I also am no longer retching constantly and can actually move my body a bit for yoga or walking ....more improvements.
It is interesting how sensitive this body has become, to planets, to food, to environment, etc. Have had to completely give up dairy as I realized the stomach pain seemed to be worse with dairy products. Grateful to have seen that and still missing my goat cheese terribly! Attempted to go to the lovely new Unitarian Universalist Church for Christmas Eve service. I somehow blocked out the fact that the building was still in the process of a remodel. I did make it thirty minutes before my eyes were red, my head pain was off the charts and the retching was constant. I was sad to leave but had no choice. The interesting thing is these things haven't gotten me down nor have I spiralled into an endless dark loop downward of wondering what is next, etc. Instead I have been able to go with the flow of this body and nap when it needed to and abstain from what may make things worse (like a chlorinated hot tub....even though it had a front row seat view of the Pacific Ocean). Yesterday I even played the "home maker" role and cooked/baked and organized my spice cupboard. By evening the nausea, retching and head pain had me "grounded" on the living room floor, but I still feel grateful for the opportunity to "play" in the kitchen. It was awesome really.
I guess what I am getting at, is that I do feel a shift, a softening, even though the physical body seems to still be on a yo-yo roller coaster ride. I can't express how grateful I am for that. I am reconnecting to my body through gentle yoga, walking, and just listening. I feel less scared and more present. I feel ready for the day rather than scared of it, which is definitely an improvement considering I have slept very little and already feel the head pain/nausea increasing. The body is such a small part of who we are, yet it is so very easy to get so mixed up. It is a constant process of sifting and untangling from the body and the unconscious. I feel as if there has movement in these areas, hence the vision adjustment. I guess the timing is right, with the Solstice and the beginning of a New Year. I am ready. I thought 2011 was hard, and then 2012 did it's thing. I am ready for 2013 to bring a change in my health, but even more so in how I move and relate to it. I feel it happening. Thank you Universe.
I have been having an amazing experience over the last few weeks working with a deck of cards called Rainbow Warrior Awaken. They have been blowing my mind really. As a breathed in the last paragraph (as I thought I was done writing), I decided to draw a card as an intention of what is to come. RADIANCE. (Okay, that is awesome). "Beloved Rainbow Warrior, the message you are receiving when you draw the card of Radiance is...... you are now called upon to BREAKTHROUGH AND CELEBRATE!" Oh, okay. I can do that. Thank you.
