Seeing the deeper messages

Some days the pain is so bad that all I can do is writhe in the bed, cry and pray for some relief or that I will somehow pass out and wake up in a little less pain. If you asked me at one of those times what this pain and illness has taught me I would either completely ignore you or possibly launch something at your head. That said, when I get a little perspective - either from a reduction in pain or these days, it is more likely that I am doped up on pain medication - I can see that the opportunities for seeing the lessons in illness are infinite. My spiritual teacher recently offered the idea that maybe my husbands GI bleed and needing a blood transfusion were an opportunity to let go and to try looking at the world with fresh eyes. What if this is true? What if, living in immense pain is an opportunity to see that I am so much more, so much greater than this pain? What if, this is the way that I will learn to not identify so much with the body-mind-sense complex, and see that I am really this limitless, beautiful being that is unaffected by pain? Intellectually I can see this so clearly. When I am writhing in pain, feeling as if I am passing a kidney stone in my head, it is a bit more difficult. But, I can see the importance in looking deeper into what the message may indeed be. I know that "medicine" many years ago, especially in indigenous tribes, was more about finding the lessons and going with that flow, than finding the perfect treatment. The flow doesn't always feel good or go remotely as we would like it to, but I believe the flow is that perfection, call it God or Ishvara or the Universe or whatever you may, but it is something that is all pervasive and beautiful. I am given the opportunity every day to remember that I am not just this body, but something much greater. Now, that is something to be grateful for. 

Thanksgiving - time to sift through the challenges and find the gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving. Throughout the country, families are waking up and beginning to prepare an elaborate feast, gather with friends and family and take stock in all they have to be thankful for. It has always been a favorite holiday of mine, steeped in family tradition. Last night I called my mother and reminisced about Thanksgiving spent growing up on the island and on the farm. I even pulled out my list of what I am thankful for that I wrote in 1982, complete with phonetic spelling. We were very poor and living in a simple shack, which the list really reflected. "I am thankfull for electrisade. I am thankfull for a full freezer. I am thankfull for the wood pile." That list always helps me, especially when life is throwing me some intense curve balls, which happens to be the state of affairs currently. When chronically/severely ill, in unrelenting pain for what feels like an eternity and in/out of crisis often, it is easy to get caught in what appears to be lacking. Somehow reading that list always magically humbles me and brings me to my knees. No matter how big the challenges, there is always something to be thankful for. When the heart opens in gratitude, magic happens. The resistance and negativity starts to melt and transform. Last night this happened beautifully. I have been in a spell of terrible pain and family crisis with my husband being ill and needing a blood transfusion. Yesterday afternoon I felt very sad to not have the energy to participate in preparing for Thanksgiving and being bummed by the changes this year. No trip to the coast for a family retreat for the first time in years. My daughter is going away for the weekend with her girlfriend's family. My husband is exhausted and not really interested in socializing or the whole Thanksgiving ritual this year. And me, I laid on the couch in pain, wondering when all of this would change for the better. I didn't feel very thankful at all. But then, somehow the universe intervened. My teenage daughter was cheerful (something to be very thankful for) and seemed to change the mood upon her return from dance class. I got inspired to order a Thanksgiving feast take out from our favorite vegan restaurant so we could all share a meal together before my daughter left in the morning. My husband started talking about what he always had for Thanksgiving meals growing up and that lead to me calling my mom and reminiscing. Then the list got unearthed from a large pile of keepsakes and the magic happened. I could not but see the multitude of gifts in my life that I have to be thankful for. The pain and feelings of being overwhelmed seemed to immediately take a back seat to all the gratitude that fills my heart. Yes, I may be sick with this awful disease that nobody seems to have an answer for...okay, that is true. But, I am blessed to be consistently given (although not always predictably) the means to afford some kind of treatment and the access to it. I have the most supportive and loving friends, family and co-workers. I never lack for housing or clothes or food or medicine or clean water. I have a thriving business, a patient and loving spiritual community and a workplace that consistently proves to me that human beings are amazingly strong and compassionate creatures. So, this Thanksgiving may be different than years past, and there may be lots of challenges that are uncomfortable, but there is no denying that I am filled with gratitude for the endless blessings in my life. Happy Thanksgiving!