The clouds of depression visited today. They are heavy and filled with doubts and fear. I met them from a familiar position. Supine in the bed. I gave in to fear (and all it's associates) and hid under the covers. Truth is, that familiar stance doesn't really help. What finally helped is getting out of bed and celebrating day one of a beautiful Hindu goddess festival, Navaratri. I had to get dressed and eat something before I could begin the worship. This was a good start. I even cooked! Kirah commented that it had been a while since I cooked anything. Yup, that is correct. It wasn't fancy but it sure made the house smell nice. Then I put on pretty clothes and went to our little shrine for worship. Too much of a headache was there to read the prayers. Instead I stretched my muscles that are beginning to feel full of little dead lymies (the image just doesn't do the feeling justice -- trust me). It was nice to be out of the depressive bedroom cave and in a cheerful place. After dinner I forced myself to listen to a class online that is inspiring. Okay, I think the clouds are finally drying up. That is good.
Why write about this? Not sure. I think what I am to learn from this day is be alert for these clouds of depression. I must remember what they look like and recall that retreating to the cave for the day with the computer on the lap doesn't really help. For whatever reason I have always pushed away that which is helpful to instead make the situation worse. I don't have to do that anymore. It's okay to do what is helpful. Sometimes it may take a little while to remember as old patterns take time to break. I can do this. I know it. I must do this.
Being in the midst of treatment for Lyme disease is a perfect breeding ground for depression. Letting in the depression, the fears and the anxiety seems easy. Unfortunately with the easy entry comes collateral damage -- more assault on the immune system. My immune system has to be on top of it's game in order to battle the lymies. I found out today that my basement is filled with mold. This was the catalyst for the day of depression. As I often tell my daughter, I have to stick to the facts. The basement got moldy. We have to clean it up. I am deathly allergic to mold which could be making my health worse. Oh well. Terry will do what he can to fix it. I can support him with love and kindness. My body fighting against mold while fighting the lymies is difficult. I don't need to add fear, anxiety and depression onto that. There isn't any room at the inn for these fellows.
I have to remember that. There is no room at the inn for anything that isn't helpful. Okay. That's seems easy enough. Hang the 'no vacancy' sign. I can say to the depression clouds, "We are full right now. I can put you on the waiting list, but it is unlikely you will get in." Excellent.
Why write about this? Not sure. I think what I am to learn from this day is be alert for these clouds of depression. I must remember what they look like and recall that retreating to the cave for the day with the computer on the lap doesn't really help. For whatever reason I have always pushed away that which is helpful to instead make the situation worse. I don't have to do that anymore. It's okay to do what is helpful. Sometimes it may take a little while to remember as old patterns take time to break. I can do this. I know it. I must do this.
Being in the midst of treatment for Lyme disease is a perfect breeding ground for depression. Letting in the depression, the fears and the anxiety seems easy. Unfortunately with the easy entry comes collateral damage -- more assault on the immune system. My immune system has to be on top of it's game in order to battle the lymies. I found out today that my basement is filled with mold. This was the catalyst for the day of depression. As I often tell my daughter, I have to stick to the facts. The basement got moldy. We have to clean it up. I am deathly allergic to mold which could be making my health worse. Oh well. Terry will do what he can to fix it. I can support him with love and kindness. My body fighting against mold while fighting the lymies is difficult. I don't need to add fear, anxiety and depression onto that. There isn't any room at the inn for these fellows.
I have to remember that. There is no room at the inn for anything that isn't helpful. Okay. That's seems easy enough. Hang the 'no vacancy' sign. I can say to the depression clouds, "We are full right now. I can put you on the waiting list, but it is unlikely you will get in." Excellent.
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