Someone asked me how my day was yesterday. He asked if no news was good news and I replied yes. He suggested I post something on my facebook site since people would like to here something positive. That seemed simple. It was simple until I started forming sentences. Then it hit me how stuck in a quagmire my thinking is. It goes something like this, "I am okay today but..." The "buts" seem limitless. A dear friend once told me that every time you say the word but you should imagine a old man's hairy butt crack. It is a sure fired way to deter one from such sentences. The image is graphic but doesn't seem to be working currently.
Here is the issue. I have always been a over-achiever and die-hard perfectionist. I hold myself and my surroundings to standards that are not really reasonable. This has always increased when I didn't feel well. I nit-pick myself into feeling more inadequate. Now that that my physical health is truly impacting every section of my life all of this is magnified. Trying to find the positive makes looking for a needle in the haystack feel really easy.
I feel stuck. I would imagine it is like when a 3 year old can't break out of a tantrum no matter how much he/she tries. Every positive thought seems to have a sneaky little shadow of a negative attached to it. I seem to be great at helping others with positive thinking but at the moment I feel like a giant spot-light is shining on my negative thinking.
I don't have an answer to this right now. I will resist the urge to sarcastically beat up on myself about this (the words were there itching to be typed though). I know all the cliches about be in the now, the now is perfect, give thanks for the small things, etc. Again, resisting the urge for dark sarcasm or inappropriate hand gestures.
I guess I have to muster up some gratitude for being forced to see that this must change. Anyone have a magic wand I can use to find Mrs. Positive?
P.S. If you were wondering about my health, here is the one minute update. The bulk of my symptoms seem to be improved. Intermittent pain and rage come to shake things up more than I would like. Very tired and out of my self-care routine. Still working and getting more accomplished each day. Surrounded by support as long as I don't hell at everyone (either in person or via some form of technology) and tell them to go away. The plan is to start my Lyme treatment again on Friday morning. As much as I want to say these feelings are gone, it just ain't the truth -- I am scared. I don't really believe my body can handle this and still be able to function. Okay...positive? The positive is I am a lot better then I was a month ago after this neurotoxic reaction and my body is ready to start this treatment that WILL get me well. (I am biting my tongue to not say, but.....)
That's a start at least.
Here is the issue. I have always been a over-achiever and die-hard perfectionist. I hold myself and my surroundings to standards that are not really reasonable. This has always increased when I didn't feel well. I nit-pick myself into feeling more inadequate. Now that that my physical health is truly impacting every section of my life all of this is magnified. Trying to find the positive makes looking for a needle in the haystack feel really easy.
I feel stuck. I would imagine it is like when a 3 year old can't break out of a tantrum no matter how much he/she tries. Every positive thought seems to have a sneaky little shadow of a negative attached to it. I seem to be great at helping others with positive thinking but at the moment I feel like a giant spot-light is shining on my negative thinking.
I don't have an answer to this right now. I will resist the urge to sarcastically beat up on myself about this (the words were there itching to be typed though). I know all the cliches about be in the now, the now is perfect, give thanks for the small things, etc. Again, resisting the urge for dark sarcasm or inappropriate hand gestures.
I guess I have to muster up some gratitude for being forced to see that this must change. Anyone have a magic wand I can use to find Mrs. Positive?
P.S. If you were wondering about my health, here is the one minute update. The bulk of my symptoms seem to be improved. Intermittent pain and rage come to shake things up more than I would like. Very tired and out of my self-care routine. Still working and getting more accomplished each day. Surrounded by support as long as I don't hell at everyone (either in person or via some form of technology) and tell them to go away. The plan is to start my Lyme treatment again on Friday morning. As much as I want to say these feelings are gone, it just ain't the truth -- I am scared. I don't really believe my body can handle this and still be able to function. Okay...positive? The positive is I am a lot better then I was a month ago after this neurotoxic reaction and my body is ready to start this treatment that WILL get me well. (I am biting my tongue to not say, but.....)
That's a start at least.
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