This fear business is very interesting. I have been noticing waxing and waning fear for some time now. I seem to be riding the wave and just noticing it. I realized that was my covert way of hoping it would go away instead of accepting it is there. I want to be tough and strong and positive and all that jazz.
The truth is though, I'm knee-knockin' scared. It's time to start the Lyme Disease meds again. Before my hiatus due to a neurotoxic reaction there was mild fear, but mainly anticipation about finally getting started on this "operation kill the little bastards." Now it is different. The memories of how sick I can get are very present. The feelings of being completely out of control of my body, mind and emotions are at the surface.
I can go through all the positive thinking mumbo jumbo and know that this is what is right and I will be fine. I am loved and supported. I have learned so much from the treatment so far and I will listen to my body more closely now. I will not push when it says stop. I will rest as best I can and keep my stress down. I know all these things yet the knees are still a knockin.'
It is impossible to explain to anyone how awful it feels to have massive amounts of neurotoxin released in your body at varying amounts throughout the day and night. It is impossible to explain how it feels to not be able to function as you are accustomed to doing. It's just impossible to explain how it feels to take medicine to get better that makes you sick.
I am strong. I will be well. I am surrounding myself and these medications in a ball of light. And my knees still knock. I'm scared and that's okay.
The truth is though, I'm knee-knockin' scared. It's time to start the Lyme Disease meds again. Before my hiatus due to a neurotoxic reaction there was mild fear, but mainly anticipation about finally getting started on this "operation kill the little bastards." Now it is different. The memories of how sick I can get are very present. The feelings of being completely out of control of my body, mind and emotions are at the surface.
I can go through all the positive thinking mumbo jumbo and know that this is what is right and I will be fine. I am loved and supported. I have learned so much from the treatment so far and I will listen to my body more closely now. I will not push when it says stop. I will rest as best I can and keep my stress down. I know all these things yet the knees are still a knockin.'
It is impossible to explain to anyone how awful it feels to have massive amounts of neurotoxin released in your body at varying amounts throughout the day and night. It is impossible to explain how it feels to not be able to function as you are accustomed to doing. It's just impossible to explain how it feels to take medicine to get better that makes you sick.
I am strong. I will be well. I am surrounding myself and these medications in a ball of light. And my knees still knock. I'm scared and that's okay.
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