I was just thinking about a few different topics and feel the need to sort this all out through writing. If I am a little disjointed in my thinking you will just need to hang in there.
First topic -- variability. When someone is sick the common phrases are often, "Get well soon" and "I hope you are feeling better" or "You look good today." I must admit I am guilty of these over-used sentences as well. When we utter these words our intentions are good. We generally care about the person and want them to feel better. We also feel helpless and without any words to express how we feel. I must say that being on the other end of these words sheds some interesting light on what it feels like to being a receiver.
I think these phrases are appropriate if you have a cold or the flu, but in chronic illness or when in treatment for an illness they take on different meaning. I finally realized why tonight. Variability. Typically recovery from a virus has a curve that starts out really sick and gets progressively better. Treatment of a illness, like Lyme Disease for example, doesn't follow that kind of pattern. Really it follows no pattern (I will attempt to not rant about that). If I am constrained to describe a pattern I think the only word that fits is variable. It is up and down. Sometimes you are sick for hours, days or weeks. Then there is a reprieve for some unknown amount of time, and then it worsens again for some unknown amount of time. Sometimes this is because of the little lymies dying due to medication, sometimes because of massage or exercise or a sauna, sometimes because of the immune system waking up to fight a bit and sometimes there is just no discernible reason.
As I move through this treatment I realize how hard this is to accept. I want predictability. I want to be on a curve of "getting better soon." I will get better. I am on the right path. But I don't know when"soon" will be or what it will look like. And for now it seems to bounce between different levels of survival. Some days doing okay and others barely hanging on. It seems like those that are around me much seem to understand this now. I can't imagine how hard it is for them and I really appreciate their support. That brings us to the next topic....accepting help.
This accepting help business has never been my strength. I have always been the caregiver in one way or another. When my co-workers and friends kept offering to help and my family reminded me of much I needed it, I finally accepted. I think some of this accepting help had a catch for me. As long as I vowed to "give back" and help others in this way then it seemed okay. Twice this weekend, two beautiful women that have been offering help, reminded me that I have given for a very long time. Now is just the time to receive. There is no need to look ahead or feel guilty. Uh-oh. Leaving my comfort zone.
Wow -- this seems like such a new concept for me. And it also shines light on my not-so-pleasant image of myself which has never exactly matched how others see me. Being present and just accepting help without feeling guilty or making lists on how I can return the help in the future feels like swallowing a pumpkin. Yet, for some reason, people are coming out of the woodwork to help me without me even asking. Once I got clear on what would be helpful it just started to happen and now it is like a roller coaster picking up speed. For me though it brings up the very deepest of my core issues -- feeling worthy enough or deserving enough to be helped. Whoa. Thanks everyone for ripping the band aid off of that one. I may say that sarcastically but really I mean it. Thank you. Thank you for helping me and thank your for making me see that I am worthy of being helped. Long may I remember this.
One more thought just popped into my head that just must be written so it doesn't get misplaced in my Swiss cheese brain. Today I mentioned to someone that I feel like I have no certainty in my life. I can't count on my body, my mind, my ability to work or make money, my ability to parent or be a wife or a daughter or a friend. I described feeling as if I was walking naked through a field --- just me and the sky -- and how scary this was. A very wise woman reminded me today of how to alter this sentence. It is just me in space, in all my glory. Hmmm. That is quite a difference. Suddenly I felt empowered and alive. Me in all my glory, in charge but not needing to control that which cannot be controlled or need not be controlled. Hmmm. Lots to contemplate.
Not an easy weekend, but I can see that lots of muck came to the surface for healing on many different levels. Excellent.
First topic -- variability. When someone is sick the common phrases are often, "Get well soon" and "I hope you are feeling better" or "You look good today." I must admit I am guilty of these over-used sentences as well. When we utter these words our intentions are good. We generally care about the person and want them to feel better. We also feel helpless and without any words to express how we feel. I must say that being on the other end of these words sheds some interesting light on what it feels like to being a receiver.
I think these phrases are appropriate if you have a cold or the flu, but in chronic illness or when in treatment for an illness they take on different meaning. I finally realized why tonight. Variability. Typically recovery from a virus has a curve that starts out really sick and gets progressively better. Treatment of a illness, like Lyme Disease for example, doesn't follow that kind of pattern. Really it follows no pattern (I will attempt to not rant about that). If I am constrained to describe a pattern I think the only word that fits is variable. It is up and down. Sometimes you are sick for hours, days or weeks. Then there is a reprieve for some unknown amount of time, and then it worsens again for some unknown amount of time. Sometimes this is because of the little lymies dying due to medication, sometimes because of massage or exercise or a sauna, sometimes because of the immune system waking up to fight a bit and sometimes there is just no discernible reason.
As I move through this treatment I realize how hard this is to accept. I want predictability. I want to be on a curve of "getting better soon." I will get better. I am on the right path. But I don't know when"soon" will be or what it will look like. And for now it seems to bounce between different levels of survival. Some days doing okay and others barely hanging on. It seems like those that are around me much seem to understand this now. I can't imagine how hard it is for them and I really appreciate their support. That brings us to the next topic....accepting help.
This accepting help business has never been my strength. I have always been the caregiver in one way or another. When my co-workers and friends kept offering to help and my family reminded me of much I needed it, I finally accepted. I think some of this accepting help had a catch for me. As long as I vowed to "give back" and help others in this way then it seemed okay. Twice this weekend, two beautiful women that have been offering help, reminded me that I have given for a very long time. Now is just the time to receive. There is no need to look ahead or feel guilty. Uh-oh. Leaving my comfort zone.
Wow -- this seems like such a new concept for me. And it also shines light on my not-so-pleasant image of myself which has never exactly matched how others see me. Being present and just accepting help without feeling guilty or making lists on how I can return the help in the future feels like swallowing a pumpkin. Yet, for some reason, people are coming out of the woodwork to help me without me even asking. Once I got clear on what would be helpful it just started to happen and now it is like a roller coaster picking up speed. For me though it brings up the very deepest of my core issues -- feeling worthy enough or deserving enough to be helped. Whoa. Thanks everyone for ripping the band aid off of that one. I may say that sarcastically but really I mean it. Thank you. Thank you for helping me and thank your for making me see that I am worthy of being helped. Long may I remember this.
One more thought just popped into my head that just must be written so it doesn't get misplaced in my Swiss cheese brain. Today I mentioned to someone that I feel like I have no certainty in my life. I can't count on my body, my mind, my ability to work or make money, my ability to parent or be a wife or a daughter or a friend. I described feeling as if I was walking naked through a field --- just me and the sky -- and how scary this was. A very wise woman reminded me today of how to alter this sentence. It is just me in space, in all my glory. Hmmm. That is quite a difference. Suddenly I felt empowered and alive. Me in all my glory, in charge but not needing to control that which cannot be controlled or need not be controlled. Hmmm. Lots to contemplate.
Not an easy weekend, but I can see that lots of muck came to the surface for healing on many different levels. Excellent.
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