So much swirling in the head that "should" be documented. The successful fundraising event, the outreach, the Lyme disease awareness raising, etc. etc. But, due to the nature of this disease the thoughts are not coming together. The head pain has taken center stage again along with it's companions -- gaggy retchy, joint and back pain and stomach pain. They seem to be doing all the talking.
The good news is I did muster up the energy to have a talk with all these characters. I laid down the rules. They seem to not be listening to the "do not enter signs" posted everywhere, but they must listen to this sign. NO AMOUNT OF PAIN IS GOING TO CAUSE ME SUFFERING ANYMORE! I can enjoy my life while in pain until it is not there anymore. If that means spending a lot of time "not being productive," then so be it. Maybe the main bit of productivity for me these days is to stay relatively cheerful and not let all these "pains" get me down. Having a headache for 15 months is something, by some twisted logic, I have learned to live with. But, when the pain is so bad that I can't stop retching or open my eyes or even move without tears....well, then is hard to stay cheerful. Somehow yesterday and today I did it. I managed to even leave the house and do things (for a short time) that I wanted to do. This included going to the Olympic Trials and seeing Asthon Eaton (who broke the world record in the Decathlon yesterday) up close and personal! Afterwards, I laid in bed and passed out (literally) from the pain, but it was worth it. It's all about choices.
I keep hearing from doctors, "You've had this for 17 years so there is a lot of neurological damage. Headaches are one of the hardest Lyme symptoms to get rid of. I will do my best but it will take time." Well, I think that means I have only one choice left. I must learn to live my life with ridiculous amounts of pain. (I've had pain for 17 years but NOTHING like this RAGING head pain). I think this last 15 months I have been so focused on it going away and staying away, that every time it returns I allow the emotional suffering and disappointment to enter with it. And along with the suffering comes this old feeling of being attacked and out of control. Hence the spiral downward when the pain increases or becomes severe without any warning.
Enough of that crap! I can still pray to heal completely and believe it will happen WHILE accepting that for now, I need to learn to live in pain. It's temporary. When it's not there that is fantastic. When it is there, oh well. I managed to do this for two days in a row and for that I am grateful. If I wake up and there is no pain...excellent! And if not...well, there is always day three of learning to live happy and in pain....
The good news is I did muster up the energy to have a talk with all these characters. I laid down the rules. They seem to not be listening to the "do not enter signs" posted everywhere, but they must listen to this sign. NO AMOUNT OF PAIN IS GOING TO CAUSE ME SUFFERING ANYMORE! I can enjoy my life while in pain until it is not there anymore. If that means spending a lot of time "not being productive," then so be it. Maybe the main bit of productivity for me these days is to stay relatively cheerful and not let all these "pains" get me down. Having a headache for 15 months is something, by some twisted logic, I have learned to live with. But, when the pain is so bad that I can't stop retching or open my eyes or even move without tears....well, then is hard to stay cheerful. Somehow yesterday and today I did it. I managed to even leave the house and do things (for a short time) that I wanted to do. This included going to the Olympic Trials and seeing Asthon Eaton (who broke the world record in the Decathlon yesterday) up close and personal! Afterwards, I laid in bed and passed out (literally) from the pain, but it was worth it. It's all about choices.
I keep hearing from doctors, "You've had this for 17 years so there is a lot of neurological damage. Headaches are one of the hardest Lyme symptoms to get rid of. I will do my best but it will take time." Well, I think that means I have only one choice left. I must learn to live my life with ridiculous amounts of pain. (I've had pain for 17 years but NOTHING like this RAGING head pain). I think this last 15 months I have been so focused on it going away and staying away, that every time it returns I allow the emotional suffering and disappointment to enter with it. And along with the suffering comes this old feeling of being attacked and out of control. Hence the spiral downward when the pain increases or becomes severe without any warning.
Enough of that crap! I can still pray to heal completely and believe it will happen WHILE accepting that for now, I need to learn to live in pain. It's temporary. When it's not there that is fantastic. When it is there, oh well. I managed to do this for two days in a row and for that I am grateful. If I wake up and there is no pain...excellent! And if not...well, there is always day three of learning to live happy and in pain....
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