I haven't been able to write for so long. I have a few drafts saved that feel contrived and not from the heart. I was just remembering something someone said to me today. I couldn't even remember who said it or why. Now it came to me. I was sitting in a chair in a class. Maybe I was squirming around, again, I don't remember. The woman behind me asked if I was in pain. I smiled and said I was okay. I knew her but just didn't want to get into it.
That is why I haven't written in so long. I just didn't want to get into it. Or maybe I didn't want to to try and find words for what is just plain hell. One or two sentences on Facebook somehow seemed easier. I try to stay positive most of the time and only "let it out" around those that know me very well. Plus, who wants to really hear about how I am? Does it hurt? YES - practically everywhere! More than I can ever begin to explain. The symptom list is so long that I can't even bare to track it for my doctor anymore. I keep smiling and moving forward because I have no choice. I am too sick to stop fighting. There has to be something better at the end of the rainbow for me. I must believe that.
I wonder why I finally decided to write about this. Maybe because I want this blog to not only be a way to "tell people how I am," which was the reason I started it. Maybe it can be a memoir of sorts of my battle. Something to look back on when I am well. In the present though, even typing or writing or talking about this hell, is...well... hell. I think I need to bust through that though. I have been spending a lot of time reading about what other Lymies are going through. It has been healing for me in many ways, but also a bit of an escape. I can just listen to them complain about all their symptoms and not have to own up my myriad of feelings.
I'm so tired of being this sick, of not knowing what the future holds and having no clue how long it will take to beat this disease. I'm tired of not having the energy or any sense of predictability to plan for my life. And, at the same time I know these are just feelings. Somehow I am given the strength and resources to keep fighting. I must believe that the solution will show itself. There is an order here and it will be okay. It is okay, even if it doesn't feel remotely that way.
That is why I haven't written in so long. I just didn't want to get into it. Or maybe I didn't want to to try and find words for what is just plain hell. One or two sentences on Facebook somehow seemed easier. I try to stay positive most of the time and only "let it out" around those that know me very well. Plus, who wants to really hear about how I am? Does it hurt? YES - practically everywhere! More than I can ever begin to explain. The symptom list is so long that I can't even bare to track it for my doctor anymore. I keep smiling and moving forward because I have no choice. I am too sick to stop fighting. There has to be something better at the end of the rainbow for me. I must believe that.
I wonder why I finally decided to write about this. Maybe because I want this blog to not only be a way to "tell people how I am," which was the reason I started it. Maybe it can be a memoir of sorts of my battle. Something to look back on when I am well. In the present though, even typing or writing or talking about this hell, is...well... hell. I think I need to bust through that though. I have been spending a lot of time reading about what other Lymies are going through. It has been healing for me in many ways, but also a bit of an escape. I can just listen to them complain about all their symptoms and not have to own up my myriad of feelings.
I'm so tired of being this sick, of not knowing what the future holds and having no clue how long it will take to beat this disease. I'm tired of not having the energy or any sense of predictability to plan for my life. And, at the same time I know these are just feelings. Somehow I am given the strength and resources to keep fighting. I must believe that the solution will show itself. There is an order here and it will be okay. It is okay, even if it doesn't feel remotely that way.
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