It has been a long time since I have written. My last entry into this "strange world of public journaling" was over 2 weeks ago. I had just realized that my body was starting to scream "stop" again in regards to increasing my medication. This time I decided to listen. I held the dose for about 10 days and now I will increase once a week at the most. My kidney pain and overall nervous system sensitivity improved and overall I have been okay. What has taken root now though feels equally as debilitating but oh-so-subtle.
I am noticing these very old patterns of self-sabotage. I know what nurtures me and helps in my healing. I haven't made overt sabotage. The attacks have been "under my radar." The cumulative effect is now noticeable and I realize, just like the kidney pain a few weeks ago, that I have to take action or this delicate balance in the body will start to deteriorate. The clouds of depression are hovering just as the rain clouds in the Oregon sky become more prevalent. I have tools to counteract this, yet I have been sub-consciously choosing not to.
I know I need to avoid the self-judgement and subsequent lashing that is a long seeded pattern. I just need to be aware and start to make changes. One moment at a time. It won't be "all perfect" just because I noticed the patterns that undermine my healing. But shining this awareness will bring it into my consciousness where I can make objective decisions. That doesn't feel overwhelming or extreme. I can do this.
Today I will notice patterns that don't serve me and make an effort to shift them. Writing again was step one, and I did it! (I will also choose to celebrate these small triumphs :)
I am noticing these very old patterns of self-sabotage. I know what nurtures me and helps in my healing. I haven't made overt sabotage. The attacks have been "under my radar." The cumulative effect is now noticeable and I realize, just like the kidney pain a few weeks ago, that I have to take action or this delicate balance in the body will start to deteriorate. The clouds of depression are hovering just as the rain clouds in the Oregon sky become more prevalent. I have tools to counteract this, yet I have been sub-consciously choosing not to.
I know I need to avoid the self-judgement and subsequent lashing that is a long seeded pattern. I just need to be aware and start to make changes. One moment at a time. It won't be "all perfect" just because I noticed the patterns that undermine my healing. But shining this awareness will bring it into my consciousness where I can make objective decisions. That doesn't feel overwhelming or extreme. I can do this.
Today I will notice patterns that don't serve me and make an effort to shift them. Writing again was step one, and I did it! (I will also choose to celebrate these small triumphs :)
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