Why are you still so sick?

Living with Lyme is hard. Trying to beat Lyme while attempting to live a full, happy life is really hard. When I went to this blog to attempt to gather my thoughts to write something coherent I noticed how infrequently I have written the last few months. This outlet used to be so healing for me. This is just another indicator of how sick I have been. I wish there was a way to explain the zillion symptoms that I have that come and go and sometimes cause so much havoc that just taking another breath feels like too much work. I wish there was away to explain how difficult this process is and how I wish that I could say "yes, I am feeling great" or when someone asks. I wish I could explain why I am "still not better" or why I "feel sicker then I look" after taking all of these medicines for all these months. I wish I could explain how scary it is to feel like I am blindly walking in a mine field not knowing what treatment will help or will it make me sicker. I wish I could explain how scary it is to have more money going out then coming in. I wish I could explain what it is like to not have any answers and to "still be sick." I feel isolated and alone. Friends don't call or connect like they used to. I know everyone is busy and I am not a joy to be around, even though I still try to keep a sense of humor....when I am not deathly ill at least. I wish I had words to explain the $#%%-ing unexplainable, but I don't.

What I can say is that I am praying like I never have before. I read online many others who have gone through/are going through very similar battles. I know this isn't in my head or my fault. I know I am not alone and that I am loved. I know I will get through this even though some days it may be hard to remember this. I am thankful to start this PK protocol (too complicated to explain) and I'm praying that it helps. I need to be strong enough to resume treatment of the Lyme and to treat the two co-infections that I likely have (Bartonella and Babesia or Bart and Babs as I affectionately call them). I wish I could explain what this is like and why I am not "better yet" but I can't. When you ask how I am I will either say "well" or "hanging in there" cause' the truth is just too hard. Ultimately I know I am well. The "real me" is fantastic. It is just this body that is struggling right now. I will get through this....repeated like the little engine that could :) I really hope this new protocol helps. I am getting early signs that it may be. Long may that continue!