Surfer Girl

My childhood memories are surrounded in water. I swam in Fishing Bay (while living on Elliott's Island, MD) as early as March and I remember getting in the Atlantic Ocean at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware in April. I would stay in a pool from sun up to sun down if it was impossible to get to the beach that day. If I needed to feel my body's strength, to relax, to have fun, to be alive --- I would get in the water (especially the ocean).

Since getting sick in the mid 90's I have not been able to get into water that was not very warm unless the air temperature was over 90. I have watched my body get weaker and weaker. My time in the water has been limited to hot springs and hot tubs.

Hot water is nothing to complain about, and I am blessed to have the means to immerse in hot water whenever I want to. That said, I long for those days when I could stand in the ocean feeling strong and powerful.

Since starting the treatment program for Lyme Disease I have thought I wanted to set a physical goal to work towards, something to focus on other than how sick I feel most days. I have thought of various things -- walk a half-marathon, climb a mountain and/or go backpacking. All of that sounds great but none of it has felt like the "shining light" that I have been imagining that will keep burning and reminding me why I am going through this.

Today it came to me so very clearly. I want to learn to surf. I want to be strong enough to put on a wetsuit and paddle out into the Pacific Ocean. Now for those of you that are fearing for my life or think I have lost my mind, please know that I have a plan. My husband has surfed for most of his life. We have a wet suit and a surf board that would work for me. I would even like to travel to Mexico (never been there) and start with lessons in a bathing suit (before I have to put on the extremely thick wet suit that makes me claustrophobic). Then I can venture up to the Oregon Coast's frigid and rough waters.

To even think about being that strong is both exciting and terrifying. For now I will take baby steps. Continue to walk every day even if 10 minutes is all the energy I have. Keep doing gentle yoga at home and work up to an actual yoga class. Start dancing again. First in front of the Wii with my daughter and maybe eventually a NIA class. Then, longer endurance and a stronger core --- bike riding, swimming, core strength building exercises.

The plan is there. I just have to keep seeing and believing it. It is possible. Although some days are still really hard, I get glimpses of having a little more energy. The doctor said this would happen. "Your better will start being a lot better as you improve. The hard days won't be as hard." I look forward to this and can see it beginning to happen.

I remember being 19 years old walking home along the beach at 10:00 p.m. under a beautiful moonlit sky. The Atlantic Ocean was glistening and so inviting. I had swam it that ocean since I was a infant. I respected her and knew her so well. I remember being entranced that night and swimming by myself as others watched in amazement. I also remember swimming with dolphins at sunrise and barely escaping the razor's edge of the jetty because I didn't want to say goodbye. I remember those days and long for them. I long for the salt water in my ears. I long for the feeling of sore muscles that doesn't mean I will be incapacitated for days on end.

I am excited to explore the ocean again. This time in the cool waters of the Pacific. An ocean that I don't know in the same way I knew the Atlantic. Her fierceness will require amazing strength and trust and intuition. I have to believe in myself. It will be a journey. Definitely something to look forward to.