Vision adjustment - BREAKTHROUGH AND CELEBRATE

Awakened at 3:00 a.m. Feel the head pulsing. "Hello headache. It's been four hours since we saw each other. Can't say I missed you." Wondering why I can't go back to sleep. Lately I seem to have come out of the two month long die-off reaction/flare and have felt a little better. Have been able to sleep and function a bit more. I go to the computer and check Facebook and see, "Dawn of the Aquarian Age of Consciousness. Full Moon on December 28th." Oh, now it all makes sense. I know nothing about astrology, other than when "things are happening" my body reacts. I check to see what time the full moon is and I am not surprised that it is at 2:21a.m. No wonder I am up. Well, I can choose to resist or just flow with it. I choose the latter.

Yesterday was very interesting. Actually, the last week has been very interesting. It started with Winter Solstice eve spent at the beautiful and powerful Breitenbush Hot Springs and then a lovely ritual here in Eugene. I can't even put into words what happened for me, other than to say it was transformative. It felt like the beginning of a major vision adjustment. Since then I have felt much softer, much less resistance, more acceptance of what is in my life at the moment. The shift feels subtle and yet massive. I still don't feel well physically, although I am no longer vomiting or having to lay on the floor for a "rest" when moving from room to room, so that is an improvement. I also am no longer retching constantly and can actually move my body a bit for yoga or walking ....more improvements.

It is interesting how sensitive this body has become, to planets, to food, to environment, etc. Have had to completely give up dairy as I realized the stomach pain seemed to be worse with dairy products. Grateful to have seen that and still missing my goat cheese terribly! Attempted to go to the lovely new Unitarian Universalist Church for Christmas Eve service. I somehow blocked out the fact that the building was still in the process of a remodel. I did make it thirty minutes before my eyes were red, my head pain was off the charts and the retching was constant. I was sad to leave but had no choice. The interesting thing is these things haven't gotten me down nor have I spiralled into an endless dark loop downward of wondering what is next, etc. Instead I have been able to go with the flow of this body and nap when it needed to and abstain from what may make things worse (like a chlorinated hot tub....even though it had a front row seat view of the Pacific Ocean). Yesterday I even played the "home maker" role and cooked/baked and organized my spice cupboard. By evening the nausea, retching and head pain had me "grounded" on the living room floor, but I still feel grateful for the opportunity to "play" in the kitchen. It was awesome really.

I guess what I am getting at, is that I do feel a shift, a softening, even though the physical body seems to still be on a yo-yo roller coaster ride. I can't express how grateful I am for that. I am reconnecting to my body through gentle yoga, walking, and just listening. I feel less scared and more present. I feel ready for the day rather than scared of it, which is definitely an improvement considering I have slept very little and already feel the head pain/nausea increasing. The body is such a small part of who we are, yet it is so very easy to get so mixed up. It is a constant process of sifting and untangling from the body and the unconscious. I feel as if there has movement in these areas, hence the vision adjustment. I guess the timing is right, with the Solstice and the beginning of a New Year. I am ready. I thought 2011 was hard, and then 2012 did it's thing. I am ready for 2013 to bring a change in my health, but even more so in how I move and relate to it. I feel it happening. Thank you Universe.

I have been having an amazing experience over the last few weeks working with a deck of cards called Rainbow Warrior Awaken. They have been blowing my mind really. As a breathed in the last paragraph (as I thought I was done writing), I decided to draw a card as an intention of what is to come. RADIANCE. (Okay, that is awesome). "Beloved Rainbow Warrior, the message you are receiving when you draw the card of Radiance is...... you are now called upon to BREAKTHROUGH AND CELEBRATE!" Oh, okay. I can do that. Thank you.

The wall

Sitting at a crossroads, or up against a wall more like it, and yet again have no idea where to turn. The body and brain are so affected by the disease (again) that it feels impossible to navigate through these confusing murky waters to figure out what to do to help. It has been two months of an intense flare that appears to be getting worse. As I am awoken from restless sleep (again) by immense head pain,  I am clear that something has to change. Back to the drawing board. This new medicine (a homeopathic no less - which should be the most gentle and tolerable) must be working and causing the intense symptoms. The question becomes, do I hang in there and hope the body adjusts and learns to detox better or do I stop yet another medicine that I seem to not be handling? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew how to get better from this 18 year disease and 21 month re-lapse in the form of a crushing headache and all it's friends. I have, yet another, appointment with a local doc that knows little about Lyme hoping that he may offer some relief to this headache or some advice that provides a missing link to the puzzle. The familiar jitters of how to meet another doctor and explain a complicated medical history that sounds ridiculous. How can someone really have all these symptoms with no relief or pattern? Well, I can. That much I know. I wish I knew anything that would help. People keep saying, "I hope you feel better." I know they mean well. But really those words make me want to cry. The pain seems endless. No one seems to know how to help when I can't tolerate anything that is supposed to kill the bacteria that are ravaging my body. I know the basics: have faith, pray to a higher power, trust that this too shall pass, gratitude list, let go, accept, cope, allow help, etc. But, I ask genuinely....how to keep going for years on end when doing those things seems to help you get through the days with more ease, but the pain and other intolerable symptoms are relentless? The body is worn down. The next thought is, "You are more than the body." Okay, but how to live in it when the pain is intolerable and no treatment seems to be helping and there is no end in sight? "Everything changes," says my sweet Chinese medicine doc,"even the Berlin wall came down. Nobody thought that would ever happen." Great! He is comparing this never ending disease to the Berlin wall. I get his intention, but it feels as incomprehensible as the Berlin wall. I want this wall to come down...NOW...please. Please.

Changes in reality

Sitting here noticing that although I often fake it and make it, persevere to the point that most onlookers have no idea anything is wrong, this damn disease impacts me so much every freaking minute of every freaking day. The pain, the anxiety, the awkwardness, the changes in relationships, the_______ fill in the f*&%^*&%ing blank. There is so much there that is just really foreign that has snuck under the covers to infiltrate what is my day to day existence. What seemed so strange now feels like the norm. It's sucks. I look on the bright side, not dwell it in, blah blah blah...but sometimes the reality of how illness changes your life in difficult ways just stands there staring you in the face. Tonight is one of those nights. 

Seeing the deeper messages

Some days the pain is so bad that all I can do is writhe in the bed, cry and pray for some relief or that I will somehow pass out and wake up in a little less pain. If you asked me at one of those times what this pain and illness has taught me I would either completely ignore you or possibly launch something at your head. That said, when I get a little perspective - either from a reduction in pain or these days, it is more likely that I am doped up on pain medication - I can see that the opportunities for seeing the lessons in illness are infinite. My spiritual teacher recently offered the idea that maybe my husbands GI bleed and needing a blood transfusion were an opportunity to let go and to try looking at the world with fresh eyes. What if this is true? What if, living in immense pain is an opportunity to see that I am so much more, so much greater than this pain? What if, this is the way that I will learn to not identify so much with the body-mind-sense complex, and see that I am really this limitless, beautiful being that is unaffected by pain? Intellectually I can see this so clearly. When I am writhing in pain, feeling as if I am passing a kidney stone in my head, it is a bit more difficult. But, I can see the importance in looking deeper into what the message may indeed be. I know that "medicine" many years ago, especially in indigenous tribes, was more about finding the lessons and going with that flow, than finding the perfect treatment. The flow doesn't always feel good or go remotely as we would like it to, but I believe the flow is that perfection, call it God or Ishvara or the Universe or whatever you may, but it is something that is all pervasive and beautiful. I am given the opportunity every day to remember that I am not just this body, but something much greater. Now, that is something to be grateful for. 

Thanksgiving - time to sift through the challenges and find the gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving. Throughout the country, families are waking up and beginning to prepare an elaborate feast, gather with friends and family and take stock in all they have to be thankful for. It has always been a favorite holiday of mine, steeped in family tradition. Last night I called my mother and reminisced about Thanksgiving spent growing up on the island and on the farm. I even pulled out my list of what I am thankful for that I wrote in 1982, complete with phonetic spelling. We were very poor and living in a simple shack, which the list really reflected. "I am thankfull for electrisade. I am thankfull for a full freezer. I am thankfull for the wood pile." That list always helps me, especially when life is throwing me some intense curve balls, which happens to be the state of affairs currently. When chronically/severely ill, in unrelenting pain for what feels like an eternity and in/out of crisis often, it is easy to get caught in what appears to be lacking. Somehow reading that list always magically humbles me and brings me to my knees. No matter how big the challenges, there is always something to be thankful for. When the heart opens in gratitude, magic happens. The resistance and negativity starts to melt and transform. Last night this happened beautifully. I have been in a spell of terrible pain and family crisis with my husband being ill and needing a blood transfusion. Yesterday afternoon I felt very sad to not have the energy to participate in preparing for Thanksgiving and being bummed by the changes this year. No trip to the coast for a family retreat for the first time in years. My daughter is going away for the weekend with her girlfriend's family. My husband is exhausted and not really interested in socializing or the whole Thanksgiving ritual this year. And me, I laid on the couch in pain, wondering when all of this would change for the better. I didn't feel very thankful at all. But then, somehow the universe intervened. My teenage daughter was cheerful (something to be very thankful for) and seemed to change the mood upon her return from dance class. I got inspired to order a Thanksgiving feast take out from our favorite vegan restaurant so we could all share a meal together before my daughter left in the morning. My husband started talking about what he always had for Thanksgiving meals growing up and that lead to me calling my mom and reminiscing. Then the list got unearthed from a large pile of keepsakes and the magic happened. I could not but see the multitude of gifts in my life that I have to be thankful for. The pain and feelings of being overwhelmed seemed to immediately take a back seat to all the gratitude that fills my heart. Yes, I may be sick with this awful disease that nobody seems to have an answer for...okay, that is true. But, I am blessed to be consistently given (although not always predictably) the means to afford some kind of treatment and the access to it. I have the most supportive and loving friends, family and co-workers. I never lack for housing or clothes or food or medicine or clean water. I have a thriving business, a patient and loving spiritual community and a workplace that consistently proves to me that human beings are amazingly strong and compassionate creatures. So, this Thanksgiving may be different than years past, and there may be lots of challenges that are uncomfortable, but there is no denying that I am filled with gratitude for the endless blessings in my life. Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't wanna

I think it is appropriate to post a bit of a disclaimer. This post isn't going to be sugar coated with humor or some positive message that I am trying to talk myself into. I just can't muster it at the moment. Sure, there is positive in my life, lots of it. For that I am grateful. But really, sometimes I think one just needs to let it out and now is the time for me.

I am so freaking tired of this journey. I am tired of Lyme Disease and whatever co-infections, autoimmune diseases, mold and chemical sensitivities, etc. that go along with it. I am tired of PTSD and it's not-so-pretty manifestations. I don't want to wake up with the symptom of the day, cry in the car before and after home visits at work because I am so tired. I don't want to fake it and make it. I don't want to have infections I can't get rid of or pain that is so familiar that I talk to it when it returns after a brief exodus. I don't want to worry about nutrition and what I should or shouldn't be eating. I don't want to startle so badly that it takes hours to recover and realize that I am safe. I don't want to keep searching for answers or accept the very uncomfortable and unpredictable present. I don't want to miss my 20 year high school reunion. I don't want to nearly pass out from a short walk or bike ride. I don't want to feel this lost and floundering.

I just want off this sorry-go-round.

Okay, deep breath. Time to slow down the pity party.

No matter how much I want off this ride that is my life, I don't get to hop off. Just like everyone has their intense challenges and they have to keep going. I have to keep going. Gosh I want it to be different. I want to feel good and lay on a beach and swim in the ocean and laugh with old friends. Oh, I want to do that. But just like my mama always said, "You don't always get what you want. You are old enough for your wants not to hurt ya." Well darn it.

A glimpse of today

I don't have anything witty or profound to say today. No big revelations or point to this post. Today I am happy and sad at the same time. Really guys, I am tired of being sick. I am tired of trying to live life, stay positive, enjoy and accept what is while being so sick. I am really tired of it.

Today went like this.

Woke up relieved and sad that I had found homes for two of my beloved kitties. Found homes for them because I just can't take care of everything I used to -- have to simplify life a bit. Had very little energy and was late doing my morning prayer ritual. Tried to juggle finishing my morning puja and tending to cat kennel customers (my business) at the same time. Then it was time to "check off the list" before going on a play-hooky-from-work-day-time-date with my husband.

Take meds, check. Scoop dog poop, check. Pick zucchini that I should have picked days ago, check. Find warm clothes, check. Eat something, check. Call customers, check. Want to cry and go back to bed because I am too tired to go on.....ignore. Instead, laugh with my husband, smile, get the car an oil change that is 7,000 miles late and finally head to the coast. Sleep the whole way because it was either that or pass out or cry. Nightmare dream about my daughter and her dramas with school bullies that keep tormenting her in the community. Wake up at the coast. Eat lunch. Walk on the beautiful beach and take a nap in the sun with my sweet, sweet husband. Barely make it up the steps to get to the car because the hips don't want to work. Use the bathroom a million times because the bladder is retaining urine and not emptying. Crawl back into the car and fall back asleep because everything hurts so badly. Wake up as we arrive at home.

No more energy. Check email and Facebook. Text some friends. Try to find a home for sweet, old shit eating neurotic dog. Lay in the bed with a crushing headache watching a lovely movie with my sweet husband. Attempt to get up to cook something and end up in bed before even starting. Sweet husband is steaming the zucchini. Bless him. Try to ignore the fact that I feel so stinking ill and that I am so bloody tired of feeling this way.....