The wall

Sitting at a crossroads, or up against a wall more like it, and yet again have no idea where to turn. The body and brain are so affected by the disease (again) that it feels impossible to navigate through these confusing murky waters to figure out what to do to help. It has been two months of an intense flare that appears to be getting worse. As I am awoken from restless sleep (again) by immense head pain,  I am clear that something has to change. Back to the drawing board. This new medicine (a homeopathic no less - which should be the most gentle and tolerable) must be working and causing the intense symptoms. The question becomes, do I hang in there and hope the body adjusts and learns to detox better or do I stop yet another medicine that I seem to not be handling? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew how to get better from this 18 year disease and 21 month re-lapse in the form of a crushing headache and all it's friends. I have, yet another, appointment with a local doc that knows little about Lyme hoping that he may offer some relief to this headache or some advice that provides a missing link to the puzzle. The familiar jitters of how to meet another doctor and explain a complicated medical history that sounds ridiculous. How can someone really have all these symptoms with no relief or pattern? Well, I can. That much I know. I wish I knew anything that would help. People keep saying, "I hope you feel better." I know they mean well. But really those words make me want to cry. The pain seems endless. No one seems to know how to help when I can't tolerate anything that is supposed to kill the bacteria that are ravaging my body. I know the basics: have faith, pray to a higher power, trust that this too shall pass, gratitude list, let go, accept, cope, allow help, etc. But, I ask genuinely....how to keep going for years on end when doing those things seems to help you get through the days with more ease, but the pain and other intolerable symptoms are relentless? The body is worn down. The next thought is, "You are more than the body." Okay, but how to live in it when the pain is intolerable and no treatment seems to be helping and there is no end in sight? "Everything changes," says my sweet Chinese medicine doc,"even the Berlin wall came down. Nobody thought that would ever happen." Great! He is comparing this never ending disease to the Berlin wall. I get his intention, but it feels as incomprehensible as the Berlin wall. I want this wall to come down...NOW...please. Please.