"Hit the wall, " a violent metaphor that I try not to use. It's common usuage though makes it a perfect example. I have been watching the Olympic trials lately and have heard the phrase referred to again and again. When the athlete "hits the wall" they must dig deep into their reserves to keep moving forward or succomb to physical collapse. I can really relate to this.
Maybe instead of the oh-so-violent "hitting" I will say "met the wall" instead. Meeting the wall is a common occurence for anyone who is chronically ill. For me, that wall has been too close recently in that I feel as if it is there all the time. I can count the cracks and crevices on the wall and would prefer it to go away. I could push against it, whine and complain. I know it won't change a thing though, cause' it's a wall. It is what is.
The body is part of the greater order of things. Why is it in so much pain and so weak? That is the million dollar question to which there is no answer. When we follow the answer back to the source -- it just is. I can fight it or accept it. Two choices. That doesn't mean give up. Do what needs to be done to help. But, if the wall is there I can meet it and greet it or hit it and fall down. I can dig deep into those inner resources like the athletes do in hopes that I can push forward. This doesn't always work though because in chronic illness the body is so depleted. Sometimes the answer that comes when I dig is, "The account is empty. You are now borrowing on credit."
I think I am learning to manage the walls. Greet them, meet them, accept them more. This doesn't mean I am not tired of them. I am so freaking tired of managing them - the utter exhaustion and fatigue from a myriad of symptoms. But, I can see that "hitting them" or falling to the floor in tears at the sight of yet another wall is just not an option.
Meet and greet with as much of a smile as I can muster....all I can do right now.
Maybe instead of the oh-so-violent "hitting" I will say "met the wall" instead. Meeting the wall is a common occurence for anyone who is chronically ill. For me, that wall has been too close recently in that I feel as if it is there all the time. I can count the cracks and crevices on the wall and would prefer it to go away. I could push against it, whine and complain. I know it won't change a thing though, cause' it's a wall. It is what is.
The body is part of the greater order of things. Why is it in so much pain and so weak? That is the million dollar question to which there is no answer. When we follow the answer back to the source -- it just is. I can fight it or accept it. Two choices. That doesn't mean give up. Do what needs to be done to help. But, if the wall is there I can meet it and greet it or hit it and fall down. I can dig deep into those inner resources like the athletes do in hopes that I can push forward. This doesn't always work though because in chronic illness the body is so depleted. Sometimes the answer that comes when I dig is, "The account is empty. You are now borrowing on credit."
I think I am learning to manage the walls. Greet them, meet them, accept them more. This doesn't mean I am not tired of them. I am so freaking tired of managing them - the utter exhaustion and fatigue from a myriad of symptoms. But, I can see that "hitting them" or falling to the floor in tears at the sight of yet another wall is just not an option.
Meet and greet with as much of a smile as I can muster....all I can do right now.
<3
ReplyDeleteYou are a great writer Faith, in addition to being an all around excellent human being. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and observations.
ReplyDelete